This might sound incredibly dramatic but something died inside when we had to put our beloved Baba to sleep in January. I mourned in a way I had never experienced. Maybe it was the fact that we were just 8 days into the new year, or because his sickness came on so quickly. His loss came after a different kind of heartbreak for us—a miscarriage in August—and then a painful fibroid surgery for me in October. Buster helped carry me through that time, and when his spirit left us, I felt so fucking sad and empty.
I still don’t like to talk about it, preferring instead to focus on the many happy memories we had together; there were so many of those. When I find myself thinking about him no longer in my life here in the physical world, I STILL get choked up about it.
Does that ever go away?
To fill at least some of that void, Bryan and I returned to fostering, and it has helped immensely. But taking on a dog on a more permanent basis is always in the back of our minds. We have this little pittie now with incredible ears and silly mannerisms and he gets under my skin with his puppy-isms, but the house would be so quiet without him. And whenever we are between dogs, our world just feels so empty.
Recently I shared a video of Bryan and Newton playing around in the backyard with Buster’s other mommy. Her response floored me, because it echoed exactly what I had been feeling but couldn’t quite communicate.
“I’m so happy to see Bryan happy. And at the same time,
it’s like watching someone remarry after their wife dies.”
Bryan struggled so much with Buster’s loss and he doesn’t really talk about it because he’s just not a good communicator / in touch with his feelings. That said, I know it would make him happy to have another dog here, not as a replacement for Buster (there could never be another!) but to help him in ways no human really can.
Have you experienced the loss of a pet, and how long did it take you to adopt?