#32

Before my blog completely crashed, I published a post called 40 in 40 to commemorate all the things I’ve learned and experienced (for good or for worse) in my forty years on this planet. A few people reached out about one bullet point in particular, so I thought I’d dive deep and go back (way back!) to that time in my life. This is an homage to my days as a dating blogger, so buckle up and let’s head down memory lane, shall we? 

Around the time when I was 22 or 23, I fell madly in lust with a beautiful Jewish boy from Long Island. Somehow we ended up in a car together with my good friend and a kid who just had his wisdom teeth extracted to see Phish play in Ohio, in what can only be described as one of the most harrowing and exhilarating rides of my life. The weather was treacherous. I don’t know if it was raining or snowing but I vaguely remember coming close to death a few times. I loved being on that edge, sleeping in hotel rooms with random kids we met on the internet, united by our love of Phish. It was so absurd; something you can only get away with in your 20s.

That weekend there was lots of flirting but nothing ever materialized. Maybe because we always had people around us, but the feelings were mutual, propelled by young lust. He made me feel extraordinarily sexy; he recited Tom Robbins and played with my hair. There was a time when we nearly slept together but didn’t because he didn’t have a condom (it would go down in history as a night of missed opportunities). Of course my friends hated him. Nevertheless the flirting continued over email several months later. 

We were never in the same place at the same time. Shortly after that trip to Ohio, I began dating someone. For six years. During that time I found out my cute Phish crush got married. He told me once how he proposed and it was romantic and sweet and what I wanted my own engagement to be like. 

I can’t remember all the details of The Kiss, but it happened on a rainy night in the city. We agreed to meet up for a drink, to catch up on life and work and the years that had managed to pass us by. He was just as handsome as I’d remembered and I was newly single. We had a few too many. He was still very much married. We tumbled out of the bar and into the cold streets when he grabbed my face. 

He gave me a passionate and sexy kiss I never wanted to end. I combed my fingers through his hair as he tugged at my waist, bringing me in closer. 

Breathless.

I had to keep reminding myself that he was a married man. 

That was so many years ago but sometimes he comes to mind and I wonder where he is and how many kids he now has (last I heard it was two). Writing my 40 in 40 list allowed me to reflect on that moment in my life when I was free of obligations, and my stresses were just… different.

I’m certain that a relationship with him never would have worked—though it felt real and invincible at the time, it was a bond forged by passion and little more. Even still, sometimes it’s fun to think back on the moments that shaped our lives and the times when we felt completely invincible.

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash