It should come as no surprise to anyone reading this blog that I’ve spent quite a bit of time in and out of doctor’s offices over the past few months, what with a pregnancy, a miscarriage, and fibroid surgery. When things get uncomfortable in life (as they often do, eh?), I like to find humor. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going. Here are just a few doozies I’ve heard and experienced in the past year in the gyno’s office and on the road to fertility.
“Do your socks say bite me on them?”
Me: looks down, sees gingerbread men, and instantly regrets my life decisions
About to go in for fibroid surgery so we can try to get pregnant again. “You know, we really ought to remove this uterus once and for all.” ??? NOOOOOO!!! I NEED THAT!
Also: “So I walk into the restaurant in my scrubs and a kid goes ‘ARE YOU THE BLUE NINJA?!’”
And that’s the last thing I remember hearing before the anesthesia kicked in
(Two months after surgery)
Me: “So what do you think… can we start trying again?”
Doctor: “Bryan, get the door a minute” (B closes door). “There are other things you can do to get off and achieve an orgasm.” This is when I died and curled up in a little ball because clearly he didn’t pick up what I was putting down. Also me in me head: please don’t say butt sex. Please don’t say butt sex.
Me to B in the car: “I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO SAY BUTT SEX.”
Bryan (exasperated): “Oh my God, Char. I literally can’t take you anywhere.”
“I’ll be honest… I wouldn’t waste any time if I were you. I mean, you’re almost 40, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T LOOK IT, but the chances of this happening naturally (voice trails off)…” At this point, the doctor launched into a spiel about IVF and images of dollar signs leaving my wallet floated through my head
Nude from the waist down, on a cold table, knees up. “Wow, this cervix is really difficult to get to. Do you still have fibroids in there?” Gee, I hope not because I just had surgery three months ago to GET THEM ALL REMOVED like I just said two minutes ago
Ten minutes later: “Okay, I’m going in with a finger now.”
Another ten minutes later: “I NEED A BALLOON AND A LONGER SPECULUM.”
Finally: “That was the hardest cervix I’ve ever had to find!”
And there you have it. If you have a funny and/or embarrassing story to share, I hope you leave it in the comments below so we can commiserate about the perils of being a woman 🙂 Happy Monday, y’all! XO
PS: Special thanks to @JerzyGorecki for the amazing pic!
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Ughhhh, girl…I hate the gyno’s office. Not that I’m sure anyone really does…lol
Oh man, you have got some stories! Not able to find your cervix?? Oh my gosh. I don’t really have anything to crazy to share other than right after I had given birth to Ollie. I had in him the water and after he was born they moved me to the bed and let’s face it, at that point my whole lower lady business felt like it was between my knees so I have no clue of anything other than the cute baby in my arms and then the OB says, all right, let’s see how much of the damage I need to fix here. I’m like, damage? How many stitches? And she’s like, um, some. I still don’t know how many stitches. Fun times!
Ugghhh – I’m sorry! 🙁 One time I had a male gynecologist walk in with a super dirty (stained) and bloody white coat on. At first, I wasn’t sure if it was someone off the street trying to pretend to be a doctor. But you know what? Best damn exam ever…didn’t feel a thing!
Ugh. That is all there is to say. I hate going to the gyno. I actually have an appointment coming up, and I’m dreading it.
I’m still sending all the baby dust and hoping you get a very quiet doctor for your next appointment XXXOOO
Oh gosh, the things doctors say sometimes! Thankfully I’ve always had female doctors when I go, which is somewhat more relaxing. I mean, as relaxing as it gets really. LOL You’ve definitely got some funny stories though – and sometimes that’s what gets you through!!
-lauren
So, I definitely don’t have any gyno stories to share, but as a dad of three girls and a girls soccer coach … I know more than I should about stuff.
When I was a teenager, I hurt my back playing football. Ironic, as a bench player, but it happened. I went to the chiropractor, who was so cool. He worked with the Denver Broncos. Anyway, he had two young athletes in, me and a girl from another school, with similar injuries.
He was so excited to show us our X-rays and similar spine issues that he didn’t realize how revealing the images were. Mostly for her, but I was exposed, too. We both looked away and were like, “okay, doc, we get it!” although I might have peeked a time or two I can’t remember.
Maybe you could make this a regular series.
I hate going to the gyno’s office. I have a couple of funny and embarrassing stories lol. I’m sure most people do.
Wow. Those are definitely things you don’t want to hear.
OH sweet baby Jesus. Is this your regular Gyno?! I finally found one I liked and she moved. But shes back now me and my lady bits are quite happy. LOL . I have no filter some times and its worse when I get nervous, so I would have have one to many inappropriate comebacks if my doc ever thought out loud like that. I also have no shame in talking sex and all that fun stuff so I probably would have made the butt sex comment out loud! HAHAHAH. Sending you all the loves! XOXO
It is an amazing pic. I was going to comment on it!
As for the socks and the butt sex, we’re totally spirit twins.
As for your doctor, man, you must love him/her, right? Otherwise I don’t think those are the most sensitive things to say! In my baby group, about half of the women there were 40 and it was their first babies. A few went on to have more and a few didn’t, but I know they were 40ish because they’re all about to celebrate their 50th and we all have nine-year-olds. Anywho.. you know my sentiment on it.
Wow, some people really don’t mince matters…. he/she must feel quite comfortable blurting out these things in front of you.
Dying over the butt sex comments but holy hell these are funny. Seems like your doc has a good sense of humor too.
It’s like Dr’s are missing that filter that stops them from saying dumb shit lol
I once had a cyst removed and I was naked from the waist down – stirrups – spread eagle lol and the Dr goes in with the scalpel and turns to her assistant “Can you believe Karen is in her 40’s? Look at her – she doesn’t look to be over 30!”
Um….thank you? To which part of me are you referring? Overall as a person? My vagina? lol
I also wore two different socks to my annual appointment once and didn’t notice until I was up in the stirrups and the Dr was walking in.
Karen @ For What It’s Worth