It should come as no surprise to anyone reading this blog that I’ve spent quite a bit of time in and out of doctor’s offices over the past few months, what with a pregnancy, a miscarriage, and fibroid surgery. When things get uncomfortable in life (as they often do, eh?), I like to find humor. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going. Here are just a few doozies I’ve heard and experienced in the past year in the gyno’s office and on the road to fertility.
“Do your socks say bite me on them?”
Me: looks down, sees gingerbread men, and instantly regrets my life decisions
About to go in for fibroid surgery so we can try to get pregnant again. “You know, we really ought to remove this uterus once and for all.” ??? NOOOOOO!!! I NEED THAT!
Also: “So I walk into the restaurant in my scrubs and a kid goes ‘ARE YOU THE BLUE NINJA?!’”
And that’s the last thing I remember hearing before the anesthesia kicked in
(Two months after surgery)
Me: “So what do you think… can we start trying again?”
Doctor: “Bryan, get the door a minute” (B closes door). “There are other things you can do to get off and achieve an orgasm.” This is when I died and curled up in a little ball because clearly he didn’t pick up what I was putting down. Also me in me head: please don’t say butt sex. Please don’t say butt sex.
Me to B in the car: “I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO SAY BUTT SEX.”
Bryan (exasperated): “Oh my God, Char. I literally can’t take you anywhere.”
“I’ll be honest… I wouldn’t waste any time if I were you. I mean, you’re almost 40, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T LOOK IT, but the chances of this happening naturally (voice trails off)…” At this point, the doctor launched into a spiel about IVF and images of dollar signs leaving my wallet floated through my head
Nude from the waist down, on a cold table, knees up. “Wow, this cervix is really difficult to get to. Do you still have fibroids in there?” Gee, I hope not because I just had surgery three months ago to GET THEM ALL REMOVED like I just said two minutes ago
Ten minutes later: “Okay, I’m going in with a finger now.”
Another ten minutes later: “I NEED A BALLOON AND A LONGER SPECULUM.”
Finally: “That was the hardest cervix I’ve ever had to find!”
And there you have it. If you have a funny and/or embarrassing story to share, I hope you leave it in the comments below so we can commiserate about the perils of being a woman 🙂 Happy Monday, y’all! XO
PS: Special thanks to @JerzyGorecki for the amazing pic!