The other night I woke up startled from a bad dream. I had a nightmare that I would need another surgery to remove my arm. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but the doctors convinced me it was serious and that my ligament needed to go as soon as possible. Instead of seeking another opinion (which would be the logical solution in this sleep sequence), I blindly trusted that they knew what they were doing and I went through with the surgery. Just as I was waking up from this incredibly bizarre dream, I was adjusting to life with one arm.
This past week I have been feeling incredibly grateful that I have two working arms. It’s a new practice of mindfulness I’ve tried to develop where I start to give thanks for things I would ordinarily disregard. I like to think my dream was the universe’s way of trying to tell me to chill the fuck out. I’ve been at a 10 since my surgery nearly four weeks ago. I’ve repeatedly checked my scar for improvement, obsessed over lumps, freaked out about the minutiae, wondered why recovery is taking so long, panicking that I’d never be the same again, internalized conversations with physicians and nurses, and thought that maybe this whole parenthood thing just isn’t meant to be.
On the flip side, I’ve learned that I have a higher pain threshold than I ever thought imaginable and I’m stronger mentally than I ever gave myself credit for. I’ve also learned a lot about forgiveness as it relates to my life in particular because I’ve struggled for years to accept who I am, just as I am. Which brings me to my word of the year for 2018. Acceptance. I’m not sure that I made this a priority until I went under the knife but now I’m grateful that everything is coming full circle.
Have you ever had a really weird dream that put things in focus? Let me know in the comments!