I had my three week check in with my OBGYN on Friday following my fibroid surgery end of October. Bryan took off of work and ended up taking me which was nice because the roads were still a bit dicey following the storm and well, who wouldn’t want company at the gyno’s office?
Everything looks as good as can be expected (then again, he did the surgery so it’s not like he’s going to say “geez, who botched this shit up?!”). The three of us looked over the incredibly gross surgery pictures and I got to see what nine fibroids on a uterus look like up close (I saw them right after my surgery but wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind to process anything). Anyway, it’s a visual I probably could have done without.
The list of things I can do now is growing steadily—I can drive (hallelujah, freedom!), I can lift items that weigh more than ten pounds, I can theoretically have sex again if I’m feeling up for it. The doctor warned us, however, that we need to be extra careful and that a pregnancy right now would be “the worst thing that could happen” because of the risks involved (mainly an ectopic pregnancy). He mentioned getting another HSG test at the end of January and that we should wait until then to make sure there aren’t any blockages in my tubes. That test was a checklist item when I had my IUI last November, and I remember experiencing a great deal of pain and discomfort from it, so here’s hoping this time will be different.
Before we left, he took another look at my chart and said that if he were me, he wouldn’t waste any time and that he’d get IVF as soon as I get clearance. “You don’t look your age, but you’ll be turning 40 in April…”
I think about this always, but hearing him say it out loud depressed the fuck out of me. I left feeling defeated and certain that I would never have a child of my own. I tried to make peace with it in the car ride on the way home, but of course, it’ll take months of obsessing and talk therapy until I can make heads or tails of that kind of life-altering realization.
What if I can’t ever be a mom? How do I make peace with that?
I realize that we got pregnant once so there’s a good chance it can happen naturally again, and I’m trying to remain optimistic about my odds. I’m in good health, and we’re both physically, emotionally, and financially able to provide for a little bug now more than ever. So now, I have to do the one thing I suck at the most: waiting.
Is patience a virtue in your life? Teach me your ways 🙂 Also can someone figure out the meaning of this fortune cookie I got on Friday night?
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