“Have you guys ever thought of starting a family?”
This question used to terrify me and I hated hearing it at social events, but over the years I’ve come to accept that people are genuinely curious and unintentionally trying to make me feel bad about my own infertility. Over the weekend, I decided to combat the question with a potentially eyebrow-raising response at a one-year-old’s birthday party, of all places.
“We actually just miscarried two weeks ago.”
“Oh god, I’m so sorry,”
“It’s okay,” I gave a sad little smile. The truth is, speaking openly about my struggles helps me feel like I’m not hiding a deep dark secret and it allows me to sometimes have really great conversations with other women about their own experiences.
Days after my miscarriage, I was convinced I did something that made me lose the baby—maybe I shouldn’t have had that sip of wine, perhaps skipping a prenatal vitamin was to blame, and did I push myself too hard at the gym?
All irrational I knew, and a clear result of my own anger, sadness, and pain. The truth of the matter is that I was terrified of miscarriage ever since I found out I was pregnant. I knew the risks and I’d heard the statistics and I said as much while out to dinner with friends. Maybe I shouldn’t have told them but I was excited and it felt right in the moment. Did I jinx it by telling them how afraid I was?
Welcome to the innards of my brain. It’s a scary, scary place in here so I apologize for the ramblings. Yesterday I went to see my OBGYN for a consult and he recommended that I get surgery to remove the fibroids (I have six that were detectable on the ultrasound, all between 2-3 cm and one that comes in at 9 cm). They weren’t there (or at least not nearly as big) nine months ago when I started IUI treatments and it’s possible they grew as a result of the medications I was taking for follicle stimulation. Does anyone have experience with fibroids? Did you have them removed? Are they living in harmony in your belly? Tell me all the things.
Happy hump day and thank you for listening ? It helps to know I’m not just screaming into a vacuum over here. XOXO