Some of my best thinking happens in the car when I’m mindlessly driving from point A to point B, in a semi-conscious, slightly hypnotic trance. Wind in my hair, sunshine on my arms, and music in my ears—life feels delicious and uncomplicated in these moments.
I have this tendency to want to beat the time of my arrival on my GPS. I don’t know if this is premeditated behavior or not, though I’m sure there are psychoanalysts in my midst who would say that everything is linked to either childhood or early adulthood. Who knows. I feel a weird sense of accomplishment when I arrive just under the time my GPS anticipated, like shaving off those five minutes is really going to make a difference.
The other day I drove my blue civic from Montclair, NJ, to Rockland County, NY, listening to the new Tori Amos along the way (her music always has a way of sucker punching you when you least expect it, eh?). I started to think about that time in my life so many years ago when my ex still mattered. I hated myself for going back there, but I felt it was an important flashback. I had a distinct memory of a friend telling me that my ex, this man that I absolutely loathed with every fiber of my being, was newly engaged.
It’s funny now, to think back on the days when the heat of a thousand suns burned my soul.
So, there I am, in my car, and it dawned on me. That memory isn’t about my ex and this woman he fell in love with (mazel!). it was about me trying to beat the clock—all these years, I was angry because he crossed an imaginary finish line first. What a transformative realization it was to come to grips with something so monumental. Finally, I was able to admit that way too much brain power was expended on something completely and utterly
FUCKING (yes in caps)
I turned up the volume and smiled at the hand life had given me. So far, I think I’ve played my cards just right.
I’ll get there when I get there—marriage, babies, the house with room for more foster pups. GPS be damned.
I can’t take any credit for the very awesome and creative blog post title, though I certainly struggled to come up with just the right one. Many thanks to Phish and their song Antelope. Hope to see you guys next run at the Garden 😉