If I had the balls

– Posted in: featured

I’d ask those two gentlemen at the gym to politely direct their attention away from the girl who was just trying to get in a few pushups after work

I’d tell the blast from the past who randomly Facebook messaged me that NO, I don’t want to be a member of her face cream sales force because quite frankly she was a total b to me back in high school

I’d explain to the woman who crossed the street that she really should be careful because I nearly hit her with my car, which is literally my biggest fear in life (I’d try to be nice about it, though she was yelling at me when I accelerated at green and she had the stop sign)

I’d tell the 4,000 agents who’ve called me since Tuesday that yes, I filled in an online form to find out next steps for a bank loan, but NO I don’t need them calling me round the clock (thankyouverymuch)

I’d add all the “ERECT ON DEMAND” email addresses to a mailing list and automate emails that would go out every hour, on the hour (without an unsubscribe option). Someone show me how to do this?

I’d go for more drives alone, to neighboring beaches and mountains and lose myself in the scenery for a little while

I’d squeeze every avocado before making a final decision. Does anyone else get anxious while doing this? (HAVE I SQUEEZED TOO MANY? BEEN HERE LONG?!)

I’d totally rock mermaid hair

These are just a few of the things I’d do if I had a set of cojones. What about you?

26 Comments… add one
Galit Breen March 29, 2017, 9:13 AM

Ah love this, sister. **Also, did it feel SO GOOD to write these out?! This kind of thing always does for me! Like writing that scathing email, but never sending it? SO THERAPEUTIC.

Kim Airhart March 29, 2017, 9:17 AM

With the week I’ve had your blog sure does make me smile!!
What is mermaid hair??

Beth March 29, 2017, 10:17 AM

Oh gosh how much I love this! I would tell my co-worker that calling herself a retard isn’t exactly PC these days. And I would totally rock mermaid hair too. And maybe get a nose ring. Ha!

Akaleistar March 29, 2017, 12:16 PM

I would love to rock mermaid hair, and finding the perfect avocado is still a mystery to me…

Chrissy March 29, 2017, 1:05 PM

LOVE this!! And didn’t it feel good to let it all out here on your space!?
I must say I am pretty much an extrovert and I love speaking my mind, although I had to learn to do so. Not everyone likes that and some people turn away, but I can live with that!
Hugs and happy Wednesday, hun xxx

Jess March 29, 2017, 1:20 PM

Oh, girl. Me too. Though I totally think you could rock mermaid hair. I had purple for a while and it was so much fun! xo

Shann Eva March 29, 2017, 1:29 PM

Ha! I was just squeezing avocados about 20 min ago. They are either too soft or way to hard 😉 I also would love to go on some drives alone. And I HATE when people that were so mean in high school get in contact on FB for anything.

Trish @ The Trish List March 29, 2017, 2:49 PM

I love this! I also have a fear of hitting someone with my car. It’s crazy how many dare devils we have in this world who assume you will always see them darting out when they shouldn’t be! Also mermaid hair would look awesome on you! Do it!

Shybiker March 29, 2017, 7:12 PM

Um… ah… you made me laugh!

What would I do? Ha! I’d jump on a motorcycle and head off for adventure. 🙂

lisa thomson March 29, 2017, 7:22 PM

Ha! Love this, Charlotte! I would tell that man at the coffee shop to mind his own business when I’m ordering my coffee and looking at the snacks. I don’t need a stranger to tell me to avoid ‘carbs’ thank you very much. I went to spin class besides…not that I need to explain to anyone what or why I’m going to eat a chocolate filled croissant. Up yours, buddy.

Lindsay March 29, 2017, 7:30 PM

Hahah! Love this. 🙂
Hmm do you stand by the fruits and veggies and grope them for too long, Charlotte?
I’ve had past friends on Facebook and running into them in person be all charming and this and that and it’s like, “No, B, I don’t want to talk to you dimple because you’re being nosey and could give two fks about my life.” Ya know? Too sharp? Hahaha

If I had balls, I’d tell my loony toon coworker what I really think of her. 🙂

ShootingStarsMag March 29, 2017, 8:13 PM

I love this. I’d love mermaid hair. I’ve always wanted blue in my hair too, so that would be one of mine.

Hmm…I’m not sure what else. lol


Cathy Lawdanski March 29, 2017, 9:09 PM

Guys at the gym…please back off!

Shannon March 29, 2017, 9:34 PM

The avocado one lololol sameeee. The first one made me really read the post because YES GYM ANXIETY IS REAL. lol….esp for me. I would tell the gym rats to stop grunting while looking at women. Ew, just let us live…

Kim March 29, 2017, 10:20 PM

I would tell a certain family member that only calling me when they need something is the reason they didn’t know my son was sick. And trying to feel bad about it now, just makes them look even worse. This is why my friends are my family. They know more about whats going on then my real family. UGH Ok…..that escalated quickly This is a great post BTW! Sending hugs your way!

Dominique March 30, 2017, 3:02 AM

Oh Yes, I can so relate to this!! Sometimes I really just want to say when I think and exactly what’s on my mind… but I’m too much of a people-pleaser for that 😉

Kimberly March 30, 2017, 7:11 AM

I’d take my keys to the side of my son’s grade two teacher’s car and etch a big fat dick on the hood.
I’d tell the principal that I know that he beat up his wife because my hairdresser is his sister in law.
I’d tell my dad that I have always been good enough.
I’d tell all my friends who only show up when I’m well that I don’t fucking need them.
In fact they annoy me when they show up in times of wellness because i’m more fake in those times with them –
Also people on facebook that sell me shit – suck a bag of dicks.

Jessica Bradshaw March 30, 2017, 1:50 PM

Haha. This post made me laugh. I have been on the other end of the car thing (literally hit while riding my bike) but I was following all of the rules and doing the right thing they just didn’t see me. Since then, I am so worried about hitting people.

I don’t want to be in your facebook group. I will not buy your products. I don’t want know more.

Tamara March 30, 2017, 4:10 PM

I think I’d do that rainbow roots thing where your hair looks totally normal but then you pull it up or run your fingers through it, and it’s rainbow colored underneath the top brown layer! Now I have to see what mermaid hair is.
The sales people crack me up. Someone I went to high school with asked me to try her diet product team and when I said I couldn’t, she asked me if I wanted to buy the products.
I honestly had the balls that day to say, “No. I weigh 110. Do you think I need to diet?”

Christine Anne March 31, 2017, 4:19 PM

The first sentence! That is probably the most annoying thing ever and the reason why I am now canceling my gym membership. I hate being stared at when I’m there just like everyone else trying to get a workout in. Smh.

Leslie March 31, 2017, 5:48 PM

I would LOVE to rock the mermaid hair too! Haha, I like this post. It feels better to get things off your best.

Sheryl April 15, 2017, 6:01 AM

I love everything about this!! I’m right there with you regarding the MLM sales – please stop. If I had the balls, I would stop caring about how I looked – I would wear my hair up in a bun more when I went to the store, wear less makeup (I would keep the lipliner).

Pam April 15, 2017, 9:15 AM

Just hang in there, sweetie. When you hit my age, you’ll tell them all that and more and you won’t give a rat’s hiney what they think about it. LOL Stopping by from Sharefest.

Lisa @ Casa Bouquet April 22, 2017, 6:26 AM

I got myself the mermaid hair and folks just have to deal with me! I get a lot of “confessions” about being afraid to do it. I would like to beat up a woman I know who has to snipe at my blog posts on Facebook.

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