While I’m not sure all of life is orchestrated by a bearded man who lives in a cloud, I do think there is a reason for life’s happenstance moments and that one day, this will begin to make sense. I pay close attention when I stumble across something that speaks to me in the moment, because I know it was presented to me for a reason.
This morning I came across this blog post written by Rachael of The Rachael Way and she beautifully expressed something I’ve been thinking of writing for so long. But like many blog posts that live only in my head, my words never quite made their way to paper whenever I sat down to type. Her post gave me the courage to express something I’ve been thinking for sometime.
There are often scenarios I shy away from typing and exposing, either because I don’t want to incriminate anyone or because I don’t want to deal with the ramifications of putting shit out there.
At the end of the day, however, this is my blog and my respite and my comfort zone and I have to make a concerted effort to share openly more often.
How’s that for a lengthy intro of this virtual brain dump?
Several weeks ago, Bryan and I ran into my ex. Again. It’s like I can’t escape him and every time I see him I get violently ill and angry and it takes me a few days to recover. I’m not sure at this point that those feelings will ever go away or that I could possibly dislike someone more than I do him.
Is it okay to admit that I wish him the best but that I just don’t want our paths to cross any longer?
We dated for six years. And many of you know that when I first started this blog, it was in part to get over those feelings and that hurt. He did some pretty shitty things and I just never got the closure from him and that chapter in my life that I needed.
For the many years that we were together, he told me repeatedly that he never wanted to get married, and certainly never wanted to have children. Last I saw him, he was sporting a wedding ring and his wife was very knocked up.
And of course, it brought up a lot of feelings. How could it not? It doesn’t take away from what I have with Bryan, but it is the reason I held back for so long in this relationship and why I am still sometimes distrusting in general.
I’m not going to lie—merely typing this makes me want to vomit.
But here’s the rub (and the theme of today’s blog post). Comparison is the thief of joy.
And I refuse to head down that road.
You can compare your life all you want with those around you, but the truth of the matter is, if you can’t find happiness within, you are living an empty existence.
Of course, I could make a checklist of the things I’d love to have myself and maybe they include the house, the baby, the backyard for our dogs, and a wedding ring on my finger, but what do all of those things mean if I feel stuck or unhappy?
My relationship with Bryan is far from perfect. But it is one that brings me much joy and I will cherish the hell out of this life and our journey together and stop comparing what we have with what I left–because there is a reason it now lives only in my wake.
I think it’s time we all stop fucking comparing what we have with what they do.
I promise we’ll begin to feel a heck of a lot lighter and happier in the process.
Wow, that felt good 🙂