Over two years ago, as I sat and recovered and shook off the pain, I thought to myself that the next one would be a great one. And that I would take as much time as I needed to find just the right fit. Someone who loves to travel and experience new things. Someone who loves dogs. Someone who is compassionate and giving, kind and sensitive. Someone who will appreciate a sunset, a glass of wine, and hours of deep conversation. Someone who wants a family one day and doesn’t scoff at the idea of a simple wedding, a chipped dish, and a Fossil watch with fine scratches and underlying sentimental value.
Someone who accepts me just as I am and loves me despite my imperfections.
I think back to that time with mixed emotions. I was broken and sad, hurt and confused. I wondered if love would enter my life again and I felt deep remorse that I had wasted so much of my youth on someone who didn’t appreciate me just as I was.
“I am done with my graceless heart. Tonight I’m going to cut it out and then restart.”
But this dark time was also a huge turning point for me. I remembered how much I loved writing, I regained my confidence slowly, and I focused my attention on reconnecting again. With friends and family. Yoga and travel. Music and good memories.
Fast forward two years and I have found the only piece that was missing this entire time. I am madly in love with someone who is all the things I was looking for. My life is rich and full. I have good friends and a wonderful, loving family. I have enjoyed the fruits of my labor and am now paid for my writing, which is something I have always dreamed of.
But there are days I just don’t recognize the girl in the mirror.
“I’m always dragging that horse around.”
Some days I feel I am unraveling. I step foot on that path train in the morning and the anxiety kicks me in the face. I think I might be going crazy and I panic, making everything worse. I have spent the past 7 months coming to terms with the fact that this would be a journey and one that would teach me many invaluable lessons. I’ve made way for the medications, the books, the therapy, the meditation, and soon hypnosis in hopes of getting back to the person I once was.
All of a sudden, the girl who broke down and cried at the drop of a hat became someone I envied. It’s a strange concept for me to process.
We can’t always have it all. I’m okay with that. But I’m also learning to be softer, kinder, and gentler on myself. I’m incorporating practices into my daily routine that allow me to accept feelings of anxiety and panic and make room for them at my table. It’s scary, but it’s helping. Slowly. That has been the most difficult thing for me to accept; the idea that there isn’t a quick fix that will erase painful memories or drown out the waves of panic when they come. I am confident I’ll get there though and will over time learn to accept myself just as I am.
“Tonight I’m going to bury that horse in the ground.”