I received a comment late Friday night that has been on my mind ever since and I felt the need to get this off my chest. This is directed to the reader who left what I presume to be a fake name and email address on my last post; a post I struggled to create and a post I was, in the end, proud to publish. I had to compose myself before composing what I thought was a very heartfelt response to “Alex” but it soon bounced back. And so, I figured I’d just answer this person here.
What we do (bloggers in general) takes some serious chutzpah. We open our hearts and pour our souls into our blogs. While having this online diary is a completely personal decision, there are certainly days I wonder if I should hit “publish.” How much is too much? How do I share without overstepping boundaries? If I omit details, will readers still come along for the journey? These are all questions I ask myself whenever I sit down to write my posts. I have tried my hardest to accurately depict the events in my life without giving away too much, but I am human and realize some things may not come across as well as I’d like them to because I am trying to protect my identity, my sanity, and the people around me.
Since October 2009, my readers have watched me go through a breakup, settle comfortably into the single life, go on more nightmarish dates than should ever be allowed in a lifetime, pick myself up, struggle with anxiety, dust myself off, and eventually, find love again. My track record would indicate that I am not one to fall for every guy to come along my way. It’s taken me two solid years to trust again, which I think was just the right amount of time to allow someone into my life. Bryan and l are still getting to know each other and we have agreed, since the beginning, to take things slowly. I’m not thinking about the future… I am just loving the present. I am experiencing things I haven’t felt in almost 10 years, and you know what?
I’m not apologizing for any of it. I am deserving of this.
If you know me in real life, Alex, you may know that I happen to be an incredibly happy person, as I think I’ve demonstrated over the course of my blogging career (which means with and mostly WITHOUT a boyfriend). I consider myself to be extremely fortunate in that I am constantly surrounded by love and light. I have a loving family, amazing friends, this wonderful blog community, awesome coworkers, and lately, I’ve added a ridiculously supportive boyfriend to the mix. They ALL contribute to my happiness. I am not ashamed of this.
So I ask you: Why would I want to be happy in SPITE of him? Am I happy in SPITE of my family? My friends? All in my inner circle? NO. I think it’s okay to admit that the people we surround ourselves with play a major role in our overall well-being.
And yes. The anxiety. She is a bitch and I still see her from time to time. My friends/family have heard an earful about her, and now I have found someone else to discuss some of my fears with. It’s nice to have someone so understanding in my corner.
I don’t like to censor comments, though I have received some in the past that hurt something fierce. Yours stung a bit, but I think it’s because there’s a chance we may know each other and you were too cowardly to say these things to me in person. If you are a concerned “friend” you would do the right thing and talk to me. Not leave me judgmental comments without a way to connect with you. And if you’re just passing through? You don’t know me and have zero right to criticize the way I live my life.
And so your comment stays. I have enough chutzpah in me to not allow comments like yours to rain on my parade.