February 27, 2012

Just as I am

Over two years ago, as I sat and recovered and shook off the pain, I thought to myself that the next one would be a great one. And that I would take as much time as I needed to find just the right fit. Someone who loves to travel and experience new things. Someone who loves dogs. Someone who is compassionate and giving, kind and sensitive. Someone who will appreciate a sunset, a glass of wine, and hours of deep conversation. Someone who wants a family one day and doesn’t scoff at the idea of a simple wedding, a chipped dish, and a Fossil watch with fine scratches and underlying sentimental value.

Someone who accepts me just as I am and loves me despite my imperfections.

I think back to that time with mixed emotions. I was broken and sad, hurt and confused. I wondered if love would enter my life again and I felt deep remorse that I had wasted so much of my youth on someone who didn’t appreciate me just as I was.

“I am done with my graceless heart. Tonight I’m going to cut it out and then restart.”

But this dark time was also a huge turning point for me. I remembered how much I loved writing, I regained my confidence slowly, and I focused my attention on reconnecting again. With friends and family. Yoga and travel. Music and good memories.

Fast forward two years and I have found the only piece that was missing this entire time. I am madly in love with someone who is all the things I was looking for. My life is rich and full. I have good friends and a wonderful, loving family. I have enjoyed the fruits of my labor and am now paid for my writing, which is something I have always dreamed of.

But there are days I just don’t recognize the girl in the mirror.

“I’m always dragging that horse around.”

Some days I feel I am unraveling. I step foot on that path train in the morning and the anxiety kicks me in the face. I think I might be going crazy and I panic, making everything worse. I have spent the past 7 months coming to terms with the fact that this would be a journey and one that would teach me many invaluable lessons. I’ve made way for the medications, the books, the therapy, the meditation, and soon hypnosis in hopes of getting back to the person I once was.

All of a sudden, the girl who broke down and cried at the drop of a hat became someone I envied. It’s a strange concept for me to process.

We can’t always have it all. I’m okay with that. But I’m also learning to be softer, kinder, and gentler on myself. I’m incorporating practices into my daily routine that allow me to accept feelings of anxiety and panic and make room for them at my table. It’s scary, but it’s helping. Slowly. That has been the most difficult thing for me to accept; the idea that there isn’t a quick fix that will erase painful memories or drown out the waves of panic when they come. I am confident I’ll get there though and will over time learn to accept myself just as I am.

“Tonight I’m going to bury that horse in the ground.”

Posted at: 10:43 am by |Filed Under: letting go | 15 Comments
November 18, 2011

the pursuit of happiness ends within

I would just like to extend a very warm thank-you to all for the swift kick in the rear I desperately needed after that last post. Your comments, text messages, emails, and phone calls really warmed my heart. I can’t tell you what it means to know so many of you are in my corner and I am slowly learning to let go and make peace with my past.

I’ve had some time to reflect in the past week and it dawned on me that feeling sorry for myself and feeling good about myself require the same amount of effort so why not focus on the latter instead? I know, I know. Easier said than done. This so-called-life is filled with all kinds of curves and dips, surprises and unusual circumstances. But I need to experience it, embrace it, and love it all over again.

I owe it to myself to be happy. I am deserving of great things. And I just want to feel good again, dammit.

So, how am I doing this exactly?

1) I splurged on a new haircut. If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you may have already seen this photo. And if you have been reading my blog long enough (or are friends with me IRL), you know I have the most unruly head of curls imaginable. But I wanted a change so I went a bit darker, had some split ends removed, and opted for the blowout. If you liked the curls, fret not-they have already returned in full force. Hmph.

2) I treated myself to some goodies from Vikki’s Secret. I also bought myself an adorable frog hat because I have a thing for warm winter wear. And yes-I realize the two couldn’t be further away from one another on the sexy spectrum, but sometimes you just need to celebrate your inner five-year-old and every now and then new bras and things are necessary.

3) Dance parties! And I’m not even talking about going to the clubs (though that’s always fun, too). I’m going to admit to something that may come back to haunt me later but I don’t care. Dancing to Rihanna in the privacy of my bedroom is extremely liberating and a good way to get the heart pumping. Yea. I do this.

4) I made plans. Lots of them. Dinner with a close friend in Jersey last night. Ladies night this evening. Brunch in the morning. I also have some tentative things lined up with friends I haven’t seen in ages who are in town for the holidays. I look forward to treating myself with the finest company imaginable.

5) And last but certainly not least, I met a wonderful guy who is doing much to restore my faith in men and, well, myself. For the first time in God knows how long, I am being courted and it’s a beautiful feeling. I love the way he looks at me when we lie side by side, how he chivalrously carries my things, and tells me he misses me just because. And the tulips he sent to my office this past week didn’t hurt either.

Finding someone I feel emotionally and intellectually connected with doesn’t happen every day (in my case it’s kind of like seeing Halley’s Comet twice in a lifetime), but when it does, it works wonders for the ol’ self esteem. The other day he dropped the “g” word and, though it freaked me out at first, I realized I should probably stop referring to him as “this really awesome guy I’ve kinda’ been seeing sorta’” (with that really annoying vocal inflection on the last note).

I have a boyfriend. It’ll take some time to get used to saying that but I’m warming up to the idea of letting him in. He makes me feel sexier than any haircut, lingerie, or Jagger dance moves ever could.

And that makes me feel happy again.

Posted at: 9:25 am by |Filed Under: dating | Eat Pray Love journey | letting go | 24 Comments
October 31, 2011

A very snowy Halloween weekend

I listened to the pitter patter of raindrops, a welcome relief from the thick wet patches of white flakes that had fallen earlier from the unforgiving wrath of Mother Nature’s unpredictable Autumn course. Halloween weekend in Asbury Park forced us to slightly alter our travel plans, but growing up in the northeast one learns always to expect the unexpected.

Here I was on a Saturday night, dressed up in a tight-fitting black skirt and glitter top, trying not to topple over in my black heels, and smoking a cigarette by the light of the moon. My friend and I had just returned to the hotel after an evening celebrating the engagement of a beautiful ex-coworker of ours. The stillness of the evening encouraged me to be alone with my thoughts (and after a rather harrowing day of commuting to south Jersey it was nice to breathe in the ocean breeze and allow it to tug gently at my locks). I reflected on some events that have occured in my life in the past few weeks. Some highs, a few lows… and I became determined again.

I am always reluctant to blog about the negative thoughts that sometimes swirl around in my head. I feel stuck in my job. I have been battling anxiety since July and haven’t really felt like myself since. I am more than a little frustrated by some of the men I have encountered in recent months. A recent exchange with an ex stirred up angry emotions I didn’t expect to grapple with all over again. And the worst blow of them all: I lost Linus, and I just really miss my companion so very much.

But then things started to come around, piece by piece. A tribute I wrote to Linus for BlogHer was featured on their site and, after submitting another post about what not to say to your single friends, I will be syndicated there tomorrow. Syndication has been a dream of mine since I started writing many moons ago, and in a way, I feel the little beagle that made his way into my heart played a huge role in this opportunity. This morning I was contacted about another exciting venture (details to come soon). A few days ago, I somehow managed to score floor tickets to one of the upcoming Phish shows at MSG (without having to sleep with anyone!). And maybe there’s a certain someone who’s been taking my breath away lately (but I’m not quite ready to share those details just yet).

Oh, and my sexy? It’s slowly returning. I think it fell out of my pocket in August sometime but I’d like to reward myself with a trip to Victoria’s Secret in the near future.

“I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following.”~Gandhi

And so I will allow to come what may, with a silent determination to turn the events in my life around and to find my inner peace once again.

Posted at: 1:23 pm by |Filed Under: dating | letting go | on writing/blogging | the greatest dog there ever was | 15 Comments
August 23, 2011

Insomnia Club: Sometimes you’re nothing but meat

What started off innocently enough with harmless flirting quickly became a torrid whirlwind of steamy email exchanges, after work drinks with sex eyes, and casual conversations of where our first sexual encounter would take place. He had placed a spell on me. I couldn’t help but get lost in his large brown eyes and was instantly attracted to our 13 year age gap.

He was forbidden fruit and I was hungry.

All day long I would find myself fantasizing about the weight of his body on top of mine in a sweaty embrace. I wanted to wrap my legs around his lower torso and scream, writhe, kick, and orgasm. His claims reassured me that he had what it took to bring me to that happy place and I was convinced that age had granted him the experience.

One afternoon I received an email from him asking if I could spend the night the next evening. He told me we would listen to music and talk, which I assumed was code for engaging in lewd acts between the sheets until it was time to get ready for work the next morning. Naturally I agreed. The next day I rummaged through my closet and found my pink ruffle skirt, form-fitting top, and high heels, making sure each curl was perfectly in place. I practically danced into the office that day, my head in the clouds with thoughts of what the evening would bring.

Several hours later, I received an email from him. He was terribly sorry but something came up or he wasn’t over the last girlfriend, I can’t remember and I didn’t care. It wasn’t the first time he had fed me empty promises and backed out of our plans. And after months of playing therapist to him, I was fed up. I had needs, too, but my hunger for his touch was nothing compared to the size of his ego. He simply wanted the chase and was satisfied with the knowledge that he had already had me. A man in his mid 40s, and yet, not unlike the 20- and 30-year-olds I had encountered in my lifetime.

“I shaved every place where you been.”

That evening I showered and erased the image of his hands groping for my body in the night.

He never deserved the chance.

***
Please show some love to the other Insomnia Club members:

Posted at: 7:24 am by |Filed Under: dating | letting go | sex | 23 Comments
July 15, 2011

Insomnia Club: Taken

David picked at a blade of grass and softly ran it down the length of my arm sending shivers down my spine. Side by side we stretched out on the lawn and soaked up these beautiful moments of tranquility. My curls lifted with the rising winds; his eyes followed the movement of a flock of birds just overhead.

It was a mild Tuesday evening in the summer of 2010 and I didn’t have a care in the world. Finally I was shedding my past. David’s presence helped me forget the great heartache of 2009, the smell of Jackson in the sheets, and the cool autumn months of melancholy.

I was here. It was now. And I was happy.

Sadly, our union was doomed from the start. David wasn’t baggage free and I was selfish. It was easy to get lost in his blue eyes and melt at the way he called me Lotti. But when we parted, I would forget these moments ever existed. I had to. Couldn’t get too attached.

Not when I knew he had someone to go home to.

What I was doing was awful, inexcusable, and completely out of character. It was also wildly exciting, sexy, and liberating. I excused my transgressions by convincing myself that I deserved these fleeting moments of happiness.

That May, we’d meet on our lunch breaks to discuss life’s minutiae. He surprised me one day with a Tori Amos comic book I’d secretly been drooling over for years, telling me it was a belated birthday present. When June arrived, he would bring me elaborate vegetarian meals he had prepared and I took him to his first Phish show. In July he wrote me love letters, sent flowers to my office, and we went out on our very first official date.

I remember vividly the time we took things too far and stumbled awkwardly in the dimly lit bedroom of my apartment. And how much I wanted him out once it was all over. That night I rolled over, glanced at the used condom in the wastebasket, and thought of the many travel destinations I hadn’t yet been to, promising myself a trip when I could scrape some cash together. It wasn’t that I didn’t like David’s company; I was crazy about him. But the girlfriend on the other end of his commute reminded me of the impermanence of our liaison.

Our late nights and lies eventually came to an end when guilt threatened my sanity later that August.

Every now and then I’m reminded of the cool, damp grass under my body and the soft scent of David’s cologne.

We watched the world pass by that summer.

It is a season forever engraved in my memory as a time I let all reasoning fly out the window to taste what a summer fling felt like once again. All I wanted was to feel taken, at least for a little while.

Posted at: 7:48 am by |Filed Under: dating | letting go | 23 Comments
February 16, 2011

let it bend before it breaks

I never actually followed up about Ethan. I emailed him last week because his communication was sporadic at best and I didn’t want to hold on to hope that a second date would materialize with someone who may not even be interested.

I thought it best to play it cool and even gave him an easy out. I told him that sometimes we meet someone we have a better connection with, or we realize we are no longer interested, or life just gets in the way. Whatever the reason, I wrote, I was very happy to have met him but that I hope I’m wrong and he’d still like to grab a drink at some point.

He emailed back a few hours later (his best response time to date) explaining how busy he’s been but that he would still love to take me out. Unfortunately, he couldn’t give me any indication as to when that might be so he understood if I didn’t want to wait around. He also said he thought I was an awesome girl and that I deserved better than that.

He’s absolutely right. I do deserve better.

And clearly he’s just not that into me.

It’s cool. I mean, sure, I’m disappointed, but such is life sometimes. I’m realizing now how hard it is to find myself on common ground with these men. What I wouldn’t give to be wrapped up in the pages of a romance novel for a chapter or two just to taste what that feels like again. But I trust there’s something greater and I’ll fall in love again when the time is right.

In the meantime, I told Ethan maybe we’d bump into each other at a show, since we share the same taste in music. There’s no reason to burn that bridge. While it may not have worked out, I still think he’s a great guy and someone I would love to see again. Some things are just not meant to be and I am at peace with that.

In an effort to lick my barely there wounds, I decided to join OkCupid. Free site, adorable/intelligent boys in Brooklyn, and so far I’ve noticed a lot more Phish phans and vegetarians than on Match.com. I have nothing to lose. And besides, I’m not done playing the field just yet.

Posted at: 8:14 pm by |Filed Under: dating | letting go | 23 Comments
February 7, 2011

the awakening

Did you ever do anything so out of character that you actually surprised yourself?

Just yesterday, I woke up bright and early (if you know me personally, you’ll know that’s quite a feat in and of itself), tied on my bikini, and boarded a train heading to Long Beach, NY, to dive into the icy waters for the Polar Bear Superbowl Plunge. I met up with some friends from college, we pre-gamed, and then headed in direction of the boardwalk. The sun was shining, weather was sweet, and it was all for a great cause–the Make-a-Wish foundation. It’s not too late to make a donation, and, if you feel so inclined, you may do so here.

The night before the plunge, I questioned my sanity as nerves set in. Sure, I do yoga in intense heat. But this? This was scary. It also made me think of all the things I tell myself regularly that I won’t/can’t do in life and how silly that is. As I held hands with my friends and ran into the water, I realized that I’m capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for and I refuse to let fear, insecurity, or doubt play a role in my life any longer.

Here are some pics of the event (hand warmers were a life saver. Hat not so much):

Also, thank you to all who participated in last week’s meme. Believe it or not, not one person guessed correctly (I suppose I’m a much better liar than I thought!). I don’t have a PPL, can’t drink beer, don’t know how to swim, and have been a vegetarian for the past 14 years. So that leaves #3 as the correct answer. I was a coxswain at SUNY Albany but it was a rather short-lived stint since 4:30 in the morning is a god-awful time to get out of bed and besides, who the hell wants to wake up just to yell at people?

But it was as a coxswain that I began to enjoy the peace and stillness that comes with being in the presence of a large body of water. And there was something about pulling the boat on to the cool, glass surface that resonated with me. The graceful dance of the rowers, the way the boat rocked gently back and forth as the waves caressed its sides, the reassuring glimpse of a majestic sunrise. It brings to mind a quote from the British philosopher Alan Watts (and fuels a passion within me to learn how to swim asap): “To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.”

As it is with the water, may it be in life.

Posted at: 7:45 pm by |Filed Under: letting go | , 32 Comments
January 17, 2011

guest post: benefits of taking a break

Grab a cup of coffee and please welcome the very insightful Vanessa Jones of 100bestdatingsites.com over at My Pixie Blog today. She contacted me some time ago about writing a post for this blog and I’m just sorry I didn’t have the chance to upload this earlier since there is some very useful advice here for couples who may find themselves hitting a wall in their relationship. Thanks again, Vanessa! Also, please come back soon for a recap of my very awesome date last week (swoon).

***

We all know that life is unpredictable and relationships are complicated. Whether it’s a personal issue or a relational problem, sometimes couples need time apart to figure things out. Taking a break doesn’t mean it’s over and taking time apart to focus on something other than each other can actually benefit your relationship as it forces you to re-energize, re-identify, re-discover, and re-acquaint.

Re-energize
When current circumstances are draining the life out of your relationship, taking a break from it can be just the thing both of you need to re-energize it. Rather than spending your time hashing out fights and disagreements, which neither of you can find a solution for, call a “time out” from the emotional toll and give your mind a mental rest from analyzing anything and everything about the other person. Take some time to focus on yourself and what makes you happy rather than always trying to make someone else happy. After taking care of yourself first, you will likely find that you again have the energy to refocus your attention and efforts on the relationship.

Re-identify
It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship and begin to identify yourself as so-and-so’s girlfriend rather than an individual. As painful as a “break” from this identity can be, being able to look at yourself as a single person rather than half of a couple can help you rediscover the talents, strengths, and characteristics that are uniquely you. Take this time to get to know yourself again by picking up an old hobby, learning something new, or spending time with friends and family. Remember, relationships work best when both people have something to bring to the table, so it’s important to keep intact the aspects of your identity that probably attracted your partner to you in the first place.

Re-discover
Taking a step back and looking at your significant other as a person rather than your boyfriend can help you to rediscover what you liked about him in the first place. When you are with someone 24/7, it’s easy to get so comfortable that you begin to mistreat, misuse, and take each other for granted. If this is the case, it’s no wonder that you both may need some time apart to learn how to appreciate and respect one another again. So, before jumping back into the relationship, take the time to look at your significant other objectively and rediscover the qualities and characteristics that make him the right person for you.

Re-acquaint
When you feel an instant connection with someone, it’s easy to begin a relationship that quickly picks up speed. You might have found that you fell hard for someone before you really even got to know too much about them. Taking a break from the relationship forces the both of you to not only spend some time getting to know yourselves, but when the time is right creates a situation where you both have to get to know each other again. Remember, you can never get to know your significant other too well, and taking the time to get reacquainted after a break will help you learn more about one another and strengthen your bond.

This guest post is contributed by Vanessa Jones, who writes on the topics of dating sites. She welcomes your comments at her email Id: vanessa.jones42@gmail.com.

Posted at: 11:58 am by |Filed Under: dating | letting go | 11 Comments
October 2, 2010

i’m happy inside all the time

Forgive, dear readers, forgive. Sometimes I feel as though there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to put a dent in the list of things I need to accomplish. But I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself. It does, however, mean that sometimes my blog falls by the wayside. But enough about that. I had a date last week and I want to discuss!

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll remember the 26-year-old I met while dancing on the lawn in Hartford at a Phish concert. We’ve had a text relationship for the past few months and we’ve really only spoken on the phone about two times since we met that cool evening in June. I’m not sure if this is the norm, as I clearly have no idea how to get my swerve on in the 21st century, but I kind of hate it. Why can’t guys pick up the damn phone to call anymore? I realize that texting is easier, but when we’re getting into conversations, I just feel like a phone call would do the trick much more effectively. Does that make me sound like a dinosaur?

We made a date to meet for drinks at the Frying Pan, a great boat bar docked on the West Side Highway. We lucked out with the weather and I was happy to dig out one of my hippie dresses from my closet earlier that morning (though it probably wasn’t the most appropriate thing to wear in the office). He was running a few minutes late so I enjoyed the sunshine, tried to relax my heart rate, and reapplied my Burt’s Bees lip balm about 20 times.

I straightened when I saw him approach and we gave each other a long hug. I thanked the lord I was wearing flats as we walked to the boat and took our seats overlooking the Hudson River. I happen to think this is a wonderful “first date” kind of place, provided you don’t go on a Friday or Saturday night when the line to get drinks or go to the bathroom is exponentially longer.

It was a perfect evening. I was able to engage in a normal conversation with someone I am attracted to, we opened up to each other slowly as the drinks went down smoothly, and we made each other laugh. I wouldn’t say I’m head-over-heels but I feel this is good practice for when I meet someone I have a better connection with. I’ve learned to move beyond the age difference, but it still feels like there’s something missing. On the other hand, I think there’s definitely a mutual attraction there, and if nothing romantic comes from it, I hope to have gained a friend in the process.

We have yet to set up a second date but there have been talks of a possible sleepover. And by “sleepover” I mean “good-old-fashioned-romp-in-the-sack.” Hey, a woman’s got needs, too, ya know.

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my split from Jackson, and it was a day that came and went without much fanfare. I am happy. A year ago I struggled to fight back tears and now I can’t remember the last time I shed any. This past week I spent a lot of time thinking about the many friends who have vanished and reappeared in my life over the years. I am grateful for the friendships that were salvaged and saddened by those that didn’t make the cut. But the friends I have surrounding me remind me of how blessed I truly am. With or without a boyfriend, my soul is satisfied.

Posted at: 4:33 pm by |Filed Under: dating | letting go | , , , , , 19 Comments
July 24, 2010

will it go round in circles

There have been a lot of breakups around me lately. Which I find odd because I thought love is supposed to thrive in the summer. This is a time to roll around in the grass, go star gazing, enjoy picnics in the park, and dance in a drum circle with a special someone. Am I the only hopeless romantic left? [Read more...]

Posted at: 11:41 am by |Filed Under: letting go | the bachelorette lifestyle | , , , , 22 Comments
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