A year ago I was in Hawaii, but now I am having the time of my life. Funny, huh?
I expected to feel differently. Depressed maybe. Resentful. Angry. Bitter. And yet, I’m not in touch with any of these emotions. This week I am taking some much-needed time off of work to see three Phish concerts; next week, I have three more lined up. I’ll reconnect with old friends I haven’t seen in awhile, dance as the sun descends, and drink in the euphoria of the Phish concert-going experience. I’ll go over set lists with devoted followers and plan out my route to the next show.
At this point in my life, I have no attachments, no worries, no regrets. That wasn’t the case 365 days ago.
Don’t get me wrong: I had a great time on vacation. But there wasn’t a shred of romance, something that ranks pretty high on my list of important things to come out of a relationship. There was some sex, but no passion. I always imagined Hawaii to be one of the most romantic places on earth with lush fields and picture-perfect waterfalls. I thought I’d hear the melodic strumming of Israel’s ukulele on “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” everywhere I turned and that giant colorful arcs would frame each snapshot. All of that was there. I was happy, or at least so I thought.
Sometimes I get upset with myself for taking part in a charade with someone who had no intention of ever getting down on one knee. In fact, he told me this before we left. And yet I refused to believe it, hung up on the idea that if I wanted something badly enough, he could never deny it from me.
One of the last conversations I had with Jackson, he told me he had checked out of the relationship much earlier than I did. I wish he hadn’t spoken the words out loud, but I had known this all along. It doesn’t make me feel better that he had thrown in the towel when I was still grasping for straws, desperate to turn a bad situation around. But it’s the truth.
So now I sleep diagonal in my bed*. Maybe I even get a little weepy when I see a DeBeers commercial. And I really miss deep conversations over coffee and cigarettes with a handsome new stranger. But I’m no longer stuck. I feel free.
* This is taken from a Phish song called “Lengthwise.”
My mom’s best friend recently told me that she knew her marriage was over when she went to Hawaii and it was not at all romantic. She said if you can’t find romance there, then there isn’t any left in the relationship. You made the right choice and you won’t be alone forever. There will be a guy on one knee with a diamond and it will be the right guy.
Thanks, Shana. I can totally relate to your mom’s friend — she’s absolutely right!
You are free and even though there are some sad moments, it’s for the best and you know it! You are in charge of your own destiny now. It’s such an empowering feeling.
Whether you are with someone there will always be happy and sad moments. The great thing is that you aren’t looking to someone else for your life’s fulfillment. Have phun with Phish!
“Sometimes I get upset with myself for taking part in a charade with someone who had no intention of ever getting down on one knee. In fact, he told me this before we left. And yet I refused to believe it, hung up on the idea that if I wanted something badly enough, he could never deny it from me.”
I dated my ex for over 17 years and that charade you speak of was my way of life for many of them. We were/are the best of friends and I love/loved him dearly but I knew we would never get married.
We broke up last year and I now too enjoy sleeping diagonal and most of all like you feel free.
i am so happy that you are really happy and no longer charades happy.
p.s. lengthwise is my favorite phish song, i love sleeping diagonal in a bed. change is good, getting used to it is the hard part.
Stopping by from The Lady Bloggers Society tea party.
Heartbreak sucks, even though you might no in the head it is what is needed your heart hurts and needs time to heal. Take your time and do what you need to go through it.
Freedom is such a beautiful thing once we finally embrace it. At least you have a lot of fun things planned 🙂 Good for you girlie.
It’s good that you feel free. There’s nothing sadder than a woman who doesn’t feel complete without a man…any ol’ man…at her side.
Don’t worry, the right one will come along when you least expect it.
Popped in from Lady Bloggers! Love will come when your heart is ready. That’s what I was always told, even though I thought I was ready a lot sooner than my heart was.
Free is a good feeling, isn’t it? And after freedom comes…hope? And then maybe that feeling again with a handsome stranger.
What a great start to your summer! Going out on a Phish adventure sounds a lot better than a disappointingly non-romantic holiday in Hawaii. And freedom – what fun!!! I think that there is nothing more lonely than being with a partner that doesn’t want the same things as you. The gap between you can feel huge (even if we mask it with things like sex). You sound great Charlotte and I can’t wait to see photos of your amazing trip!
.-= Sarah – the Breakup B*itch´s last blog ..The Benefits of having Orgasms even when you’re newly single- =-.