I sat in an office this morning with pen and paper to scribble some life thoughts. Leaving my cell phone in the car turned out to be a blessing in disguise since I can’t actually remember the last time I wrote unassisted, without a keyboard.
The world feels different in the early morning hours of November. Alive, yet still waking up. Beautiful, though deeply flawed. I usually set my alarm to Z100, and listen to the day’s new and noteworthy events and stories as they unfold. I’m glad to see the conversations about sexual harassment that are beginning to take place in this country. They’re uncomfortable, but so very necessary.
It’s just a 10-minute drive to the RMA* offices in West Orange, NJ. Long enough to get lost in thoughts, but too short to really do anything about them. I wake up with the sun and start my car in the cold. It’s a quick journey in theory but in practice, it takes a lot from me, both emotionally and physically. I’ve just started my second round of IUI and my head is cloudier than it was a month ago when I held on to a bit more hope. My excitement diminishes when I realize that a new year and another negative pregnancy test will mean we have to explore other options. I’m not sure I’m ready for that road. Yet.
I had lunch with a friend the other day who made me rethink everything. It was refreshing to sit with someone who understands intimately the ins and outs, the doubts and frustrations, and the occasional outbursts that come from infertility. Not many in my circle can relate in the same way, and it was comforting to share. On the other hand, our conversation made me reconsider everything—the questions I ask when I’m in the chair, how far I’m willing to go to become a mother. Hearing about her struggles made me wonder if I was up for the task, and if I could handle what she’s overcome with the same amount of poise and strength.
Truthfully, I just don’t know.
Each Friday I share a gratitude list on my blog, but sometimes I scramble to come up with 10 things. On occasion, my brain only remembers 8 or 9. I want to hit refresh on that list and beginning tomorrow, I’m going to start really thinking about the many grateful things I have in my world. There are so many. Sometimes, however, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.
*Reproductive Medicine Associates