Fertility follies (part one)  

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“I never knew how easy it would be to get pregnant.”

Those 11 words sent me into a tailspin the other day. I was mindlessly flipping through the channels after a long day when I landed on a 16 and Pregnant promo.

“That’s so great for you!” I mockingly said out loud while storming out of the room. I instantly regretted my word choice, the sarcastic tone, and the taste of my bitter tongue.

I got caught up for a minute.

Sometimes that happens out of the blue. I’m not sure if it’s a result of the hormones I’m taking or the fact that it’s been exhausting to do something I assumed would come naturally, but some days I teeter on the edge of Crazytown and I’m pretty sure Bryan has started sleeping with one eye open.

I have absolutely no intention of dedicating all of my posts to this journey I’m on OR carving a niche for myself in the infertility blog category (not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course), but I do feel the need to discuss it sometimes because shit gets weird and it can be lonely. Often.

Yesterday, I realized that expectations versus reality were way apart and I thought, “hey, this might be useful to someone else on the road.” So here we are.

Sometimes it’s best not to overthink it.

I had an idea of what some of this might look like; mostly cursory things like monitoring and having blood taken and feeling anxious and excited and every other emotion rolled into one, on a steady basis. That’s been pretty spot on, mostly.

But then there are stupid hidden fears, the hormones, and the logistics of trying to give myself a tummy shot before, after, or during a concert. The bloated belly that makes me look like I’ve eaten one too many burritos.

Sometimes I like to make a game of it.

How does my vagina rate against the others this woman has had to see today?


Am I the oldest person in the waiting room this morning?

 Also, I started giving less fucks about basic things.

Day three bloodwork and ultrasound: shave legs? Check. Wear cute sweater? Check. Socks match the sweater? Check.

Day nine bloodwork and ultrasound: I shaved about three days ago so I should be good. This sweater looks clean-ish. Shit! Almost forgot my deodorant!

I’m not sure I’m being uber helpful to anyone else who has ever considered (or is going through) IUI or IVF. Mostly this is just verbal diarrhea because I’m tired and I’d really love it if you could come here and shoot Reese’s Pieces into my mouth. Also I wanted to add that the face of infertility is not the smiling person you see on a bike on the pamphlet in the waiting room. She’s 38, is going to a Tori Amos concert tonight, and wants you to know that it’s okay if sometimes you lash out at stupid shit that people say in a commercial.

It’s okay 🙂

19 Comments… add one
Shann Eva November 8, 2017, 10:32 AM

I wish I could come shoot some Reece’s Pieces into your mouth…or help in some other way. Just know I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. XXXOO

Sheryl November 8, 2017, 10:35 AM

Sometimes you just need to vent….

Beth November 8, 2017, 10:49 AM

I love you. Keep spurting those words, it’s ok to talk about it. We need to talk about it. And ugh 16 and Pregnant is the worst. There I said it. Hugs sweetie, go enjoy that concert.

Mattie Dulka November 8, 2017, 11:30 AM

I haven’t been around the blog world much lately, but the title of your post caught my eye. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I will be sending so many positive vibes your way that your IUI or IVF (whichever you’re doing!) works. <3

Bashfully Bold November 8, 2017, 11:36 AM

As promised, I will jab you next week if you need it hashtag thatswhatfriendsarefor. Keep on keeping on — you’re a fierce arse woman who will make it through this– promise!

Kimberly November 8, 2017, 1:42 PM

I know that you’re going to help people by writing this…says me who wrote about her struggles and did help people.
Eat the chocolate and use the sweary words. There the best remedies sometimes xoxox

Kimberly November 8, 2017, 1:43 PM

*They’re the best remedy…

Had to correct myself…

Penny Struebig November 8, 2017, 3:32 PM

You yell at that TV all you want — it’s good for the soul! Thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed that you will be prego soon.

StephTheBookworm November 8, 2017, 4:16 PM

Thank you for opening up and sharing your journey. I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, but I think you will find so much support and also be able to give support at the same time. I would have reacted the same way had I seen that commercial. I’m in a different — yet similar in ways — boat. Had no problems getting pregnant with Caleb and now we are. Going on a year of trying for #2 in December with NOTHING (except for an ectopic pregnancy in February). I saw my doctor over the summer but he said not to worry because I’m “young and fertile,” but after a year, I do think they’ll take a look again and start considering that there might be a problem. It’s hard and frustrating to see so many others have no troubles (especially people who should definitely not have the care of a baby as their responsibility anyway, but that’s another topic for another day…). It’s hard to try and be happy and smile for them while knowing you’re struggling. I’ve had a lot of good cries, wondering what is wrong with my body this time around, most especially when I see another pregnancy announcement. It’s even harder for me when I see the MANY people who had their first child AFTER I had Caleb and have managed to get pregnant again way before me. Anyway, I will stop there, but just wanted to offer my support and let you know that I understand what you’re going through, even if it doesn’t seem like it. I will be going to the doctor next year to see if this is secondary infertility or what. I am hoping and praying for you. You will be an amazing, loving mother.

ShootingStarsMag November 8, 2017, 5:08 PM

People say the stupidest things on TV; it’s quite alright to yell at them. I’m glad that you’re sharing, even if you think it’s just word vomit, but so many people do have to deal with this…and it’s not fair. *hugs* Love ya, have fun the show tonight!


Natalie A November 12, 2017, 3:02 PM

Thank you for sharing and expressing your true feelings! You are helping people more than you know with writing this post! I have struggled with infertility for too long already. People have no idea how infertility feels unless they have gone through it. Thank you for sharing, again! Xox

Lindsay November 13, 2017, 8:49 AM

Hey sweetie,

Keep it real and honest like you have been and you’ll be a voice to others that try to candy coat or glamourize this awful process that is often so fraught with nerves, anxiety, stress and the whole kit and caboodle. Just the sheer fact you are voicing what you’re going through is helping others that are silenced by their own thoughts, emotions and judgments.
Love you sweet girl and I’m always thinking of you (even though I’m always behind and owing you, like 1987 emails… lol).

Love you,

Dominique November 13, 2017, 11:39 PM

It’s a tough road and one none of us should have to travel down. I wish this didn’t suck so much and that there was something to say to make it better. But I fear there isn’t, so just know you can vent any time you need (and totally get cranky at the TV and anything else that hits the “why is this happening to me” trigger). I’m thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way xxx

Tamara November 15, 2017, 12:05 AM

37 here and I went to a Regina Spektor concert tonight!
And.. the similarities will never stop ending with us.
It’s a crappy road. I still hate it even though I have zero reason to feel bitter. Des was a tough one.. although as a child, he’s brilliant and mellow!
I wish you all the best ever.

KIMBERLY AIRHART November 15, 2017, 10:48 AM

You know what?? I said the same thing when I saw that promo.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I feel bad that every time I see someone post that they are pregnant in my support groups, I feel instant jealousy. I hate that I react that way. Baby dust to you… xxoo

Catherine Gacad November 22, 2017, 1:13 AM

It’s definitely ok. Sending you so much love! xoxo!!!

Simone January 12, 2018, 7:49 PM

I love this. I really, really appreciate this post and your honesty, and sharing your struggles with us. I know what you mean about the shiny, happy pamphlets – it’s so misleading, much like someone’s shiny, pretty Instagram feed can be too. (And I completely support your comments about 16 and Pregnant, because – ugh!) I really, really hope you get some good news soon! x

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