The Secret Keeper

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secret keeper

“You’re the kind of friend people feel they can confide in and trust in a crisis.”

She was right, this friend of mine. My mind is a vault filled with the deepest, darkest secrets and confessions from my closest, nearest, and dearest… from the trite and embarrassing stuff of everyday life to the sordid details that daytime soap operas are made of. And I never really had a problem with any it until some of those confessions started to keep me awake at night, filling my body with anxiety and fear.

I knew too much and couldn’t handle it any more. This is usually the part of the movie where the heroine is offed because the threat is there.

She might squeak.

I knew intimate details that could destroy relationships and threaten safety. I didn’t feel so good, now that my conscience burned. I was itching in my own skin and needed to crawl out of my body–just for a moment–to breathe without the confines of my own skin. My imagination started running wild in the late hours of the evening. I imagined every worst-case scenario you could think of and I stood in the middle of it all, just as guilty.

I started to tear. Tiny fractures that became bigger cracks over time. Do I squeak? Continue as the secret keeper? Can I live with myself if something were to happen to people that I know and love, and I don’t act fast enough?

It wasn’t a way to live or be, so I set some of those secrets free. And I was forced to turn my back on a friend I have had throughout the course of my adult life.

Because a friend wouldn’t set your soul on fire and leave you to deal with her ashes.

What if the secrets you keep have the power to kill you on the inside? What do you do?

15 Comments… add one
Beth April 26, 2017, 10:24 AM

It’s a tough situation wanting to be supportive and a safe haven for someone, but if it was truly causing you issues and your own health and well being was at stake, than I think you did the right thing by setting them free. I am pretty sure I would do the same in that situation. Hugs lady.

Kim Airhart April 26, 2017, 11:59 AM

I agree sweetie! A friend wouldn’t do that. I too have a volt of secrets that I keep for friends but none that I feel tear me apart. Good for you for choosing your emotional well being. Take care of you. xxoo

ShootingStarsMag April 26, 2017, 12:12 PM

You’re right – a friend who cared about your well being wouldn’t tell you something that could eat you up inside. I feel like people tell me things; I’m a good listener. Most of the time it’s nothing too serious or worrying though. It can be tough to hold on to everyone else’s problems.

-Lauren

Tamara April 26, 2017, 2:37 PM

So tough! I think I had a similar experience. I had two friends come out of the closet to me as their first person. I had another friend who was sleeping with one of the teachers. Can you believe holding that in?!

Kristi @ Mi Vida Ocupada April 26, 2017, 2:46 PM

Yep, I’m a good secret keeper too but nothing that wouldn’t allow me to sleep at night. I don’t know if I could do that!

Trish @ The Trish List April 26, 2017, 5:24 PM

I have definitely lived this life. It is a hard one that wears on you very quickly. I really try not to get involved in peoples secrets anymore that I can help them with. If it’s something horrible that I need to keep inside, I just can’t do it. I have called CPS on a family member. I have held my own secret and that nearly caused me a stroke. I finally told my yoga family about it and I feel so much better. Be free my frend and only hold onto what you feel is worth it.

Dominique April 26, 2017, 8:06 PM

A really tough situation to be in. I guess all you can do is whatever you feel is right? xx

Akaleistar April 26, 2017, 9:59 PM

This is so thought provoking! Secrets can become a burden, and I think there are some things you should never burden a friend with.

Lindsay April 27, 2017, 10:36 AM

Ugh. I know exactly what and who this is about it. It’s tough because she’s your friend but you know things that could rip people and relationships apart, not to mention it could affect the safety of many. You’re between a rock and a hard spot. More on this later… *hugs*

John April 27, 2017, 12:05 PM

It would have been better if you confronted that person with your growing discontent, rather than finally let it overwhelm you! As a friend, you should have seen the gradual increase of the problem/ emotional distress and dealt with it, in early stages! To sit , watch, and let the situations severity increase, was just complacent of you too! As a real friend you should have taken a more severe stance, and worked to correct the problem, rather than completely disengage from that person! They say, you know who your friends are, when you are down and out, the ones who stick by you, are your true friends!! But friendship, in the U.S and contemporary society has eroded in quality, so one should no expect anything more anyway! I just feel sorry for both of you! For you, for making a choice which you may regret in the future, and him/her for trusting to confide with you, and you throwing it back in your friends face!

Nikki April 27, 2017, 4:52 PM

That has to be tough, but it sounds like you did the right thing. Your health is just as important. A good friend should consider that as well. I am sorry you went through that.

Crystal // Dreams, etc. April 28, 2017, 6:28 PM

That last line is so true! I’m glad you took care of yourself and did what you needed to do. Sending you lots of love! That’s such a tough situation to be in. 💙

Sheryl April 29, 2017, 8:52 AM

I know there is so much you aren’t saying in this post. I also am often the secret keeper for my friends, it can be heavy to deal with. We have to stand up for ourselves at times and not be used. What I am hoping is that you were able to verbalize something like this to your friend. Take care of you.

jenn May 10, 2017, 7:52 PM

i love that last line. indeed. a friend would most assuredly not do that.

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