more untold truths

– Posted in: dating, other

Love & Life

You know what really grinds my gears?

Having to say sorry for something I don’t think I did wrong.

Sorry, folks. This isn’t going to be one of those “love means never having to say you’re sorry” kind of posts. Because quite frankly? I think that’s a bunch of bull. Love means pride-swallowing. It means that sometimes we fuck up and that we have to take complete ownership of that. There will be times when we don’t think we fucked up at all but we find ourselves apologizing for the sake of letting down our guard, fighting for what’s important, and staking a claim in our relationship.

Having said that, I came across a beautifully written post this morning entitled The True Story of a Seven Year Marriage over at Softly My Love. In it, Chelangat expresses herself far more eloquently than I ever could. I love it when a blog post allows me to pause, reflect, and be a bit more mindful about my own life and relationship.

This verse in particular resonated with me: “We were careless with our love, sending out sharp words and criticisms and then rushing out the door to our next obligation. We thought we were building a life for our future. We didn’t see the cracks in what we were building.”

Spoken words cannot be undone. Hurt takes time to heal. And moments of anger can fester and become resentment over time.

Saying sorry is difficult for someone who doesn’t like to admit to wrongdoing.

I know, because I am that someone.

In the past few weeks I’ve struggled to figure out what it means to find “The One” and how unrealistic expectations can cause a relationship to crumble at its foundation. Just the other day I scribbled furiously after an argument with Bryan that sent my world into a tailspin. Though it wasn’t the first time we’d ever had a disagreement, it made me realize that I need to work on some of my coping mechanisms and also figure out a way to communicate more openly–and effectively–in our relationship. Rather than vent my frustrations to a spiraled notebook, I’ve been working on expressing my feelings to him after we’ve both had time to process everything. Isn’t that sometimes the hardest part? Giving someone the space they need to sort out the muck?

Patience is not one of my strong points, apparently.

But patience has taught me a valuable lesson: That it’s okay when things aren’t perfect. And that this doesn’t mean the end is nigh. Because what does it mean to reach the top of a mountain, if you don’t remember the journey it took to get there?

11 Comments… add one
Patricia August 7, 2013, 1:10 PM

I struggle with this all the time. The BF and I have very different approaches, and I, generally speaking, shy away from drama. I shut down, and in more than one situation I’ve actually said, “I just don’t know why you feel that way.” I don’t want to talk it out; I just want the drama to go away. But that doesn’t really work in a relationship because there are going to be disagreements. It’s hard, but I’m trying to take it one step at a time.

Krysten August 7, 2013, 1:43 PM

I’m one of those people that apologizes for EVERYTHING, whether or not I should, whether or not the other person even cares. I’m really quick to anger and then I just apologize, apologize, apologize because I’m also quick to feel remorse.

I struggle A LOT with this within my relationship. I came from a relationship that was VERY hurtful. And it wasn’t just my ex. I became a hurtful person too. And it’s really hard to stop being that way. Sometimes when Izzy and I fight I say things that I know I shouldn’t, but they slip out before I can stop them. And it SUCKS.

I think the first step is just being more mindful of who we are and how we are in a relationship. Recognizing was roles we play, good and bad, can help us to make the relationship stronger.

beth August 7, 2013, 1:56 PM

Thanks for writing this!! My fav line-” I’ve struggled to figure out what it means to find “The One” and how unrealistic expectations can cause a relationship to crumble at its foundation.”
Going into my 12th year with the husband ( 6th year of marriage) and sometimes I question if we shouldn’t just be able to get along all the time by now or why it has to be so much work all the time. Then i realize that everything good in my life i work for and work to maintain and who wants something just handed to them easily anyway.

Catherine Gacad August 7, 2013, 4:59 PM

Relationships are hard work! It can be difficult to believe this when we read blogs and see pictures of people having such a wonderful life (online!), but I guarantee you there are fights going on and books being hurled. That’s why the divorce rate is so high, because this isn’t easy. I’m glad you’re writing about this in your blog. It’s something we can all relate to.

Mrs. Match August 8, 2013, 1:55 AM

Yes, this exactly. Match is actually far better than me at saying, ok let’s just forgive, forget and move on. I’m more likely to hod onto things and get mad all over again. Something I’m learning to work on: not keeping score. It’s not worth it to hold onto who was right. (me obviously, lol) and so much better to just kiss and make up!

trininista August 10, 2013, 11:39 PM

Relationships are hard work and we learn every day so keep learning. It’s the only way we can move forward. That’s what they tell me. lol.

Bonda August 12, 2013, 5:19 PM

It’s amazing how much everyday things affect relationships too. Sometimes the drive to keep moving foward to that future together overshadows enjoying each other. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

Something She Said August 13, 2013, 3:58 PM

oh god you hit the nail on the head for me about giving someone the space (and time) to cool down and then revisit things…if we don’t do that I 100% get all passive aggressive and can’t think clearly…I neeeeeeed that cool down period but it also has to be done in a way that’s not like “I’m ignoring you” but instead “we’re taking a breather to think separately” – great post!

keishua August 13, 2013, 10:37 PM

yes, yes and yes. i love this post. i just told b. marriage is hard. it is and it isn’t. just like any relationship but goodness when our though and emotions get to going….well you know. sending you love and patience and keeping a bit for myself, too.

Blond Duck August 14, 2013, 7:28 AM

Finding the one you love is the easy part. Staying in love is the hard part.

carma August 14, 2013, 8:37 AM

I love how you are taking things in stride 🙂 It will all work out…

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