i say the stupidest things when i’m nervous

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“It’s too early to get up!”

“Charlotte, we slept in this morning. Come on. Let’s go. Don’t worry. I’ll take the dog out.”

“Coffee?” I muttered, hoping that by saying the word, I would muster up enough energy to at least make it to the bathroom to put in my lenses.

I gave Sandy a good morning kiss and turned on CNN where images of a happier Lance Armstrong flashed across the screen. Scumbag, I thought to myself.

The temperatures in Hoboken last Friday morning were below freezing. As Bryan and I ventured outside to start up the car, I brought my mittens up to my cheeks in a pathetic attempt to keep them warm. I really need to patch up all of these holes…

I was on my way to the gynecologist. I couldn’t remember the last time it had been since I went to see her, which means it’s been over a year. There isn’t a greater way to start the morning than with a bit of poking and prodding, right? Thankfully I remembered to shave the night before. Why is this so important? Do gynos sit around with their friends and discuss who did/didn’t do landscaping prior to their appointment?

Obstetric and Gynecology Department Exam Room

I exited the Path at 9th Street and made my way to a clean and relaxed waiting room. I was grateful it wasn’t packed with weary and impatient patients filling out forms and pacing by the doors. “Charlotte? Just this way.”

I was whisked into another room. All I saw were stirrups and a pink smock. Cute!

I think the worst part of going to see the hoo-ha doctor (I mean, aside from everything) is just hanging out on that paper sheet while you wait for the doctor to emerge. There weren’t any nice images for me to look at (aside from the obligatory female reproductive poster that is likely hanging in every single OB/GYN office). I forced my mind to think about my new favorite lunch spot and their delicious butternut squash soup and the pile of crap I had sitting on my desk at work, the phone call with a friend I had the night before, and how long it’s been since I’ve spoken to one of my girls…

“Oh, hello there! It’s been a while!”

Idle chit chat.

“So, have you seen any good movies lately?” the doctor looked up from between my legs. Dear God. Well, at least conversation should keep my mind preoccupied, right?

Before I knew it, we had moved on to bigger topics like the importance of screening for Tay-Sachs disease. I didn’t realize there was a possibility that I could be a carrier, but it’s even more scary stuff to think about where making babies is concerned.

“Okay! Get dressed and meet me down the hall,” the doctor smiled sympathetically.

That wasn’t so bad, I thought. I mean, the exam itself lasted less than five minutes and at least the office is warm. What’s more? I got to miss half a day of work. Well, I wouldn’t exactly say I was MISSING it…

“Do you have any questions for me?” she asked when I sat across from her.

“I do, actually. You know, I think about having babies. I mean, not like, right now or anything, but one day… maybe not too far off. I saw this episode of New Girl recently and someone mentioned that females lose 90% of their eggs by the time they reach 30 [whenever I get nervous I quote really random things I see on TV or read in the paper] and I was just wondering…”

“Okay. Stop panicking. You’re young. The truth of the matter is you just won’t know until you start trying.”

Her words echoed through my head as I made my way back to the office. I mean, what good does it do me to stress about things that may just be out of my control? I don’t FEEL old and my mom was well into her 30s when she gave birth to me. Doesn’t society stress us all out enough already? Why pack on even more worry?

Fark, it’s cold out here.

Silver lining: they had my butternut squash soup that day. Sometimes it’s the little things.

12 Comments… add one
Jester Queen January 24, 2013, 9:37 AM

Oh the oby-gyn. You’re a riot, though, from the not wanting to get up through to the silver lining, you had me giggling. I was imagining the look on your face when the doctor wanted to know about movies from your nether regions. And if they are discussing the land and ladyscaping, I am SURE I fail. My hairy self rarely shaves any of it.

Krysten January 24, 2013, 3:12 PM

I always worry about having babies. I mean, I want them someday, ya know? Hell, if I found out I was knocked up tomorrow I wouldn’t totally freak. I mean, Iz and I are going to get married eventually anyway. But then I’ll wonder how I’ll feel if we have problems trying to concieve. And THEN I wonder if we should just start trying now. Lol, pretty sure Iz doesn’t feel the same way, I’m sure he’d like to “put a ring on it” first.

carma January 24, 2013, 3:38 PM

That is one of the most awkward things in life – doing the idle chit chat whilst being examined. I know the doctors also love it when we quote from WebMD ๐Ÿ˜‰

oh, and I”m sure they discuss our hoo ha trimmings among themselves and have a good laugh ๐Ÿ˜€

Gia January 24, 2013, 8:59 PM

Did I need this post or whhhaaattt. My mom wouldn’t stop talking about fertility today – not sure why, I like to think of myself as still being pretty young with plenty of years left and she kept going on and on about errybody who was trying and wasn’t able to conceive. You can’t scare me into pushing for an engagement woman! Thank goodness, for “you won’t know until you try”. Numbers are arbitrary! Ok, sorry for the rant. haha ๐Ÿ™‚ XO

Blond Duck January 24, 2013, 10:21 PM

I’ve been at the reproductive endocrinologist all week, and when they were doing an internal sonogram I asked them if they saw anything with three or four heads. Think I got you beat on stupid things!

Shell January 25, 2013, 9:28 AM

At least you got your soup. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I hate going to the gyno.

Nicole January 25, 2013, 10:50 AM

The questions they ask and things they say from down there are always hilarious!

“I haven’t seen you in a while!”
“How’s your boyfriend/husband?”

When I was engaged, I mentioned to my ob/gyn that I was getting married. He flicked my belly button ring and said, “Hope this isn’t the ring!”

Because it’s really not awkward enough… LOL

Amber January 27, 2013, 3:03 PM

Oh gosh, I’m always so nervous at the gyno. I hate it. And I always make sure to hide my undies under my pants. I don’t know why I’m paranoid about that but I am.

Mrs. Match January 28, 2013, 12:47 AM

God I hate that paper. And you know what stinks? When you get pregnant, in the first trimester, you still have to hang out on that paper! And if you’re like me (Let’s pray not!) and you have to have your cervix measured, you hang out with the who-ha out every 2 WEEKS until the 22 week mark. Bleck. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am to be doing regular ultrasounds and no more probs in the who-ha for the next 4.5 months! How’s that for too much tmi in a comment? ๐Ÿ˜‰

I’m glad to hear your mom had you in her 30s. I think it means there won’t be a question of any issues for you. When the timing is right, it’ll happen, in whatever way shape or form it’s supposed to. XO!
I loved that episode of New Girl by the way. Hilariousness!

keishua January 28, 2013, 10:26 AM

the gyno is strange place. i try to get the talk to a minimal. doctors are more chatty these day, i guess they want to put you at ease. i hate that paper and the gowns..the gowns are just terrible.

Karen Peterson January 28, 2013, 2:48 PM

I remember once, years ago, I went for my exam and the doctor didn’t believe that I was a virgin. I was like, “Um…I’m pretty sure that’s something I would remember.”

shana January 31, 2013, 2:00 PM

This post 1) reminded me that I have to make an OBGYN appointment and 2) gave me an extreme case of anxiety. Because I’m older than you. And I want to have babies. And I’m worried that I have no eggs left or that the ones that are there are all mutated from being so old that they won’t work.

I’m going to go think happy thoughts now.

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