Phish guilt

– Posted in: dancin' fool

So my posting schedule has been a bit wonky lately. Forgive me? Is anyone else having a hard time keeping up with their blogs?

Also just a warning: this post is all over the place.

It’s hard to believe that summer is just around the corner. Schools are already starting to let out, the weather is heating up, and the sundresses and sandals are appearing on the streets again. It’s such a beautiful time of year and it’s hard not to think ahead and make summer plans at a whirlwind pace. I’m sure I’m not the only one excited to come out of hibernation and see some concerts and hang out on some great lawns in the coming months.

If you’ve been following me for some time now, you already know about my fascination with the band Phish. I have seen them play more than 50 times over the years (in one year, I managed to hit up 18 shows). Because of financial constraints, that will no longer be feasible for me, though I will take in two shows at Jones Beach and possibly a straggler here or there this summer.

But here’s the thing: Over the years, seeing Phish meant going with a core group of friends I met in college and would recognize from seeing the band so many times. It wasn’t unusual to see someone in one city and then high-five them on the next leg of the tour. It’s hard to explain in words but it’s not sect-like at all, I swear. I have many happy memories and photos taken on various lots across the country and under tents before life led us in different directions. One buddy got married and had a baby. Then another got married and is now expecting his first. One just married three weeks ago.

And then I experienced an incredibly hard breakup with the girl who turned me on to Phish in the first place. She was always the one I could count on to drop everything and go to just one more show. The other day I tried on hippie dresses and I remembered with fond memories how much fun we always had on tour and I got sad.

So sad.

I miss her terribly. And I want to reach out, but I believe the friendship is irreparable. And I’m not placing blame at all. Because if she were to ever read this, I would want her to know that I love her still but it just can’t be fixed.

I’m feeling “not going on Phish tour” guilt. As I’m writing this, I’m listening to a live stream of them play in Bonnaroo. And I’m wondering if people will think that I’ve settled with a boyfriend and am giving up on the band that meant so much to me and still does mean so much to me. But Bryan has very little to do with that decision. It’s just that going to see multiple shows with a boyfriend is a different experience than it is with friends. And it’s much harder to get the gang together these days now that everyone has responsibilities and, well, bigger “phish” to fry. See what I did there?

I feel like I’m doing that thing where I justify my actions. Phish guilt.

*I told you. This post is all over the place. I don’t expect any comments, just a lot of “what the fucks, Charlotte?” That’s cool, too. I blame the fact that the heat is rotting my brain. Let’s just forget this post ever happened.

7 Comments… add one

Nicole June 11, 2012, 11:42 AM

You know what? This post may be all over the place, but I think brain-scramble is somewhat in the air these days. I am terribly behind with my blog. I feel clogged. I want to write but have nothing really to say. I should be reading so I will have something to say and can write and publish regularly. But I’m too busy wanting to take Mojo out in the sunshine, thinking about lazy beach days with my love, and barbecue-hopping on weekends.

I totally get it.

The Phish thing… I get that too, in terms of lives changing and taking away some of the staples of our summers, our lives, etc. It’s not just a concert, or a band. I kinda feel that way about Tori and Janine. I can’t ever go see Tori without her. I just can’t. I’d feel bad. But our little one is here now, and that likely means the last show we all went to together was probably my last, too. It just… happens.

But it sounds like it’s not lost completely, and you know… maybe some new friends will emerge. I hear you Phish-pholk are pretty friendly peeps. :-)

Jenni Chiu June 11, 2012, 1:16 PM

I totally understand this. I haven’t seen a Phish show in many years… since I got old and married and had kids. I had different “family” back then, and I often think back on it with bittersweetness.
Don’t worry, even if you show up alone to a concert, you know you’ll be welcomed with open arms. ;)

Blond Duck June 11, 2012, 6:38 PM

I guess it’s a friend loss week. I didn’t lose a friend, but I just recognize it’s done. We used to work together and I’d been begging her to go to a pole dancing class with me or do something fun and she’s been blowing me off for lunch (excusing the job I got her through my connections…) and I saw a picture of her on Facebook at a pole dancing class. I’m done.

keishua June 11, 2012, 8:22 PM

lo siento. times do change but that doesn’t make it easier. i think you will find fun things to get into this summer. plus, the magic of the internet can help you get to some concerts.

(FL) Girl with a New Life June 12, 2012, 12:02 PM

It’s always sad when our life path directs us away from old friendships, and maybe old pastimes. I sometimes remind myself of the saying, “You can have it all but you can’t have it all at the same time.”

I’m positive you will have a beautiful summer in store. And maybe Phish is out but there are plenty of other activities boyfriends are good for. And I don’t mean that in a *wink* *wink* sort of way.

:)

Blond Duck June 12, 2012, 2:48 PM

You could always get a plastic wading pool…I’m almost to that point.

Natalie June 17, 2012, 9:58 PM

It’s crazy how friendships change as we get older…it’s sad to lose them…but I guess it’s just part of life—it still hurts to feel the lost but it is nice to look back on the fond memories.

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