It was only a year ago that I was experiencing life with a brand new set of eyes. I had regained confidence, a wonderful supportive network of friends and family, and a dizzying social calendar. I was loving life. A year ago, I did something completely unexpected and joined a team of Polar Bears to jump into the frigid waters of the Atlantic on Superbowl Sunday for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. To date, it was one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had.
I have seen quite a few highs and lows since that unseasonably warm day in February. About six months ago, I became quite ill and depressed. Anxiety took over and I have struggled to regain some of my footing since then. Each day posed a new challenge. I experienced panic attacks daily on my morning commute, avoided activities I had always loved, and made excuses when friends invited me to hang out. One evening while I visited my family, I experienced a panic attack of epic proportions on their porch (unbeknownst to them) and had to pop yet another anti-anxiety pill.
That was the lowest of the low. I thought that if I couldn’t enjoy being in the company of the ones who knew and understood me the best, there might not be hope for a recovery. I desperately wanted to return to the life I had always known. But here I was, overmedicated and drowning in alcohol, to silence some of the thoughts in my head. It was a very dark and extremely painful period in my life.
But sometimes Life has tricks up her sleeve. In the middle of all this uncertainty and depression, in stepped Bryan. His calm presence reassured me, his words touched me, and his poetry soothed me. I became hopeful again. I began to imagine a life where I was able to go out and frolic, dance, laugh, socialize, write, and live again. I wanted it for myself. For him. For us. He slowly taught me to love and trust again.
I can’t say that anxiety isn’t something that I live with daily, but I have found ways to accept and make peace with it. Meditation and exercise have helped, but I’m also treating my body better and learning to love myself again. Having a cheerleader in my corner has been tremendously influential in helping me on this path to recovery.
It all comes full circle. Bryan has just joined our team (Team Levi, named after my friend’s baby boy) and I’m excited to have him by my side this year as I take the icy plunge. He didn’t even have to think twice when I asked if he’d be interested. “Just let me know when it is, Mooi.”
A man who will jump into the Atlantic for a worthy cause?
I feel like I won the lottery.
The cause is really what it’s all about. There aren’t many things in this world that would cause me to act irrationally, but the sight of helicopters carrying children whose wish was to see the Polar Bears dive in their honor puts it all in perspective. I hope I am always sound in body and in mind and that I can continue this tradition for many, many years to come.
Absolutely NO pressure whatsoever, but should you feel so inclined to donate to this cause (or if you’re in the area and would like to join our team!), click here for more information.
wow. that’s some bravery!!
This might go over like a lead balloon but I’m going to say this.
You’ve been dating this guy for but a couple of months. You seem REALLY dependent on his support and influence. It’s great that you’re happy. But you seem to be happy because of Bryan. Not in spite of him. I think that’s really dangerous given what you spoke about in this post.
Makes me cold just thinking about it!
And I disagree with Alex. Sometimes it takes the people who surround you to pick you up and remind you why life is awesome.
I’m always so impressed by your attitude, Charlotte
And I love that you did this crazy, crazy thing. I can’t figure out if I can donate by paypal, though?
Boo to Alex’s comment! Boo, boo, BOO!
As for polar bearing – it’s awesome! And I think it’s extra awesome that Bryan is on board with it!
I’m so happy Bryan is being wonderful!
Don’t listen to Alex. There’s nothing better for a mending soul than a new influx of love. Enjoy it…and your icy plunge!
I LOVE that you are plunging! I plunged year before last for Maryland Special Olympics. It was about 20 degrees and snowing at the time which just made it more fun. I will definitely be doing it again next year (since obviously this year I’m out haha).
And I agree with Krysten’s sentiments…well said!
Regarding Alex’s comment::
That’s what love does, it makes you (extra!) happy.
Charlotte, you and Bryan never would have clicked if you weren’t already in a place to accept what he had to offer and reciprocally share yourself.
What it really sounds like is someone who doesn’t want you to lose yourself if the man in your life were to go away, too.
But life was meant to be SHARED and regardless of how many months it’s been, the natural reaction to loss is not exactly a happy, independent emotion…..
Keep your head up and smile bright! And always Love On.
That is some serious bravery! Good for you for doing this!
And I’m so glad that you have someone in your life that is supportive and a light for you. And I’m glad you’re doing better with your anxiety and depression. It’s miserable stuff, especially when you have to go through it alone.
Proud of you girl.
OHH HEYY!! I’m sure it’s going to be an incredible experience! xo
I am PLUNGING WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 I’m ready to have the incredible experience with you AND Bryan!! I almost hope it is snowing – is that wrong?
Partners can’t make us a whole but they can love us, support us and believe in us. Love is the most healing force we have.
I quoted this recently in my blog and I will do it again here.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
–Martin Luther King, Jr.
I am so proud of you! Just ignore the worthless haters like Alex.
Oh Alex…you sound bitter. THAT is the most dangerous situation of all.