“Opened up his little heart
Unlocked the lock that kept it dark
And read a written warning
Saying I’m still mourning
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.”
—Laura Marling, Ghosts
All relationships are doomed to fail, right? It’s what I’ve essentially convinced myself in my 32 years after two long-term boyfriends claimed my 20s and stole pieces of my heart. I have grown accustomed to inviting men into my life to satisfy various needs. There were the ones who indulged me when all I wanted was to cuddle and engage in a passionate makeout session; the guys who shared their histories, listened, and soothed; and the few who wrestled with me between the sheets when I needed to feel desired. For the most part, there were never any hurt feelings; the terms were always agreed upon from the beginning.
After a solid year of embracing my inner sex kitten and feeling free of all worries, I slipped. I shut down and convinced myself it just wouldn’t happen for me. Anxiety crept in and made me question my sanity. I escaped literally and figuratively whenever possible because I felt the city’s icy glare sizing me up and I began to dislike what I saw in the mirror. Concerned friends and family members began asking if I had lost weight, and each time, my confidence took a nosedive. I thought I felt low when I broke up with the ex, but this was a new fortress of solitude I had set up and I was terrified to let anyone in. And so, I retreated even further.
The girl who once took such pride in her Bikram body and carefree spirit was broken.
And then, as if from a scene in a movie, someone walked into my life at a time when I had completely given up. He says all the right things, picks me up when I’m down, and showers me with compliments. He has opened up to me and is allowing me all the time in the world to get my head sorted. He is hell-bent on making me realize my true worth and I seem hell-bent on sabotaging the closest I’ve come to having a relationship in two years. I can’t let go of all the hurt that haunts me and I’m scared of fucking up so I tell myself to just get it over with early on. Maybe if I end things in the beginning stages, I’ll eliminate the pain and heartache that surely awaits.
I’m so frustrated with myself because I don’t remember the last time I have felt so deliriously happy and nervous and excited and on the brink of vomiting every time I see someone.
Tell me to snap out of it. Tell me to stop fucking it up. Tell me to go with the flow and relax and enjoy.
Because I really like this one.
I’m just scared of the ghosts.
Nicole says
Snap out of it. Stop fucking it up. Go with the flow and relax and enjoy.
These are your words, not mine. This truth comes from YOU. xoxoxox.
SMW says
Someone told me recently: if you’ve been hurt in the past by someone you were deeply in love with, you won’t allow yourself to be hurt like that again. You are sub/unconsciously protecting yourself.
This nugget made so much sense to me and allowed me to move more easily in my current relationship. The person I am with now is an excellent fit for me but I was stressing slightly because I didn’t feel as ga-ga over him as I have over people in the past. Eventually, I stopped worrying about why I wasn’t feeling as smitten as I should be and allowed myself to realize all relationships and feelings are different.
And remember, you’ve hurt before and come through it. You can never be completely shielded from pain and sorrow but you can remember that they sit just across from hope and joy.
Mark says
Oooh, that Nicole girl is a smart one.
I’m no expert on dating advice since I’ve been with Fred since I was 21. Although I had a bit of a life before he arrived. So if you need one night stand advice, I got tons of that. For example: Make sure the pants you put on in the morning and go home with are yours.
Good luck!
Mark
trininista says
Nicole stole my lines. But yes…snap out of it. Don’t short change yourself. What are you saying ? End it now to spare yourself the pain?? Woman…live in the moment and love it…there are no guarantees but that is life. Live in the here and now and give the thing a solid chance for success. No more of this!!! (hugs)
Shana says
I know exactly where you are coming from and I know it’s scary. It might end. You might get hurt. Or it might be the most amazing thing ever and last for the rest of your life. If you don’t relax and get out of your head and give this a chance, you’ll never know. And you might miss out on the best thing that ever happened to you.
(FL) Girl with a New Life says
I don’t write poetry often, but this post reminded me of one I wrote about making peace with my past.
http://www.girlwithanewlife.com/2010/08/pouring-my-heart-out-making-peace-with.html
I think what you are going through is perfectly natural. I believe all of it is scary: single life, relationships, working towards a dream or searching for something new to dream about. Maybe it’s just life pulsing through our veins–all the emotions that set us off balance. Focus on being whole and share your life with another whole person. Hugs.
Hutch says
Just remember you deserve to be happy, and this guy is supporting that feeling. Until that changes you’re allowed to enjoy it!
Sorta Southern Single Mom says
I was given the same advice as SMW and thus far it’s held true. Relax and enjoy it and even while things are going great, it’s okay to keep a hold back and keep your heart safe.
Roxanne says
Well, enjoy as much as you can. It may happen in stages — your acceptance of happiness and him. Of course, I have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m not there yet, but I found your post inspiring. For as conflicted as you are, you have demonstrated that you still have feelings and can have feelings for another man. So, for what it’s worth, thanks for sharing.
Allyson says
You could snap out of it, pull up your big girl panties, let go and let God…or whatever else you need to tell yourself to stop sabotaging the chance at a happy ending. But in the end, it could take a really long time. And how do you know he’s worth it? If he sticks around long enough for you to turn in all of your baggage. Neal and I have been married for 5 years. We’ve been together for 6. And JUST NOW do I not immediately jump to “when you leave me” or “when you cheat on me.” But he’s still by my side…trying to convince me that neither one of those things are going to happen. Nicole is right…the truth is within you. But sometimes getting your heart to agree with your head takes more time than it takes to utter some cliches. Eventually….(and without you realizing it) all that other crap with all those other guys will fade into the past and what you’ll be left with is someone to grow old with and share a life with.
Dawnee says
Okay, you asked for it! STOP FUCKING UP!!!! RELAX!!! ENJOY THIS!!! Life is scary Charlotte. Especially when you are single, I won’t lie to you about that. But anyone who knows you through your blog, and I’m sure that even MORE so in real life, knows that you are an amazing and fun woman. You deserve to be happy. You brighten our lives, and it would make us all so happy to see you relax and allow someone else to brighten yours! Don’t let fear sabatoge a good thing. Wish I could give you a hug and a bit of a push!
Hannah says
It’s always comes right back to yoga: LET GO. Easier said than done, but seriously, it’s what you have to do. LET GO. And just BE.
You have so much more control over what you’re doing than you realize. Don’t put the blame on your past; don’t put the blame on those long gone. Act instead on the NOW, the right now, the present moment.
A Bikram teacher once said to me, “All expectations are limitations.” I thought this was brilliant. Try to let go of your expectations for yourself and for this man.
Ultimately? Let go. Be. So comes love. (According to ee cummings at least.)
Jean Has Been Shopping says
I hope you have snapped out of it. Let yourself enjoy this relationship.
Jean Has Been Shopping says
Um… comment luv not working.
Gia says
If he’s the right one, then he’s not going to be afraid of any ghosts! Yes, you do need to relax and let go but things take the necessary course sometimes. You’ve been hurt and your guarded, that is normal. But let him in slowly, give him little peeks of the incredible person that you are and trust will just… build. 🙂
Lots of Love, dear!
Karen@WaistingTime says
You were right – you were caught in my spam filter:) I’m pretty good about checking that every day or so since I tend to find real comments trapped.
I am glad my dating days are over! I wish you all the best.
Bonda84 says
Best way to help your fear of ghosts is to confront them. Sometimes we spend so much time fearing them and running from them we make them out to be bigger and badder than they really are/were. The ghosts done have to be a bad influence if you don’t allow them to be. “Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy. Remeber that”.
Put one foot in front of the other with this guy and this new ground you are both walking together and you will be just fine. Everyone deserves to be loved.
Blond Duck says
Just carry a flashlight–ghosts can’t get to you if you focus on the bright, shiny love in front of you!
Emily says
Snap out of it. Stop fucking it up. Go with the flow and relax and enjoy.
I mean it.
liz says
I don’t know what yo say first – don’t vomit or don’t over-think it!!
But both hold true. Just try to go with it and definitely don’t over-analyze or question yourself!
Jill says
Oh yes, go with the flow! Relax! Enjoy! You take dating so damn seriously!
Karen Peterson says
You have to relax and go with it because right now, I really need to live vicariously through you. 😉
Pretzel Thief says
Snap out of it.
Stop fucking it up.
Go with the flow and relax and enjoy.
There. That good enough? 😉 Heheheh.
I know I’m a bit late but, I figure, better late than never!
Dude, you’ll be fine. Embrace this for what it is (er, something freakin’ great) and just let it be; let it carry you.
::hug::