Insomnia Club: Taken

– Posted in: dating, letting go

David picked at a blade of grass and softly ran it down the length of my arm sending shivers down my spine. Side by side we stretched out on the lawn and soaked up these beautiful moments of tranquility. My curls lifted with the rising winds; his eyes followed the movement of a flock of birds just overhead.

It was a mild Tuesday evening in the summer of 2010 and I didn’t have a care in the world. Finally I was shedding my past. David’s presence helped me forget the great heartache of 2009, the smell of Jackson in the sheets, and the cool autumn months of melancholy.

I was here. It was now. And I was happy.

Sadly, our union was doomed from the start. David wasn’t baggage free and I was selfish. It was easy to get lost in his blue eyes and melt at the way he called me Lotti. But when we parted, I would forget these moments ever existed. I had to. Couldn’t get too attached.

Not when I knew he had someone to go home to.

What I was doing was awful, inexcusable, and completely out of character. It was also wildly exciting, sexy, and liberating. I excused my transgressions by convincing myself that I deserved these fleeting moments of happiness.

That May, we’d meet on our lunch breaks to discuss life’s minutiae. He surprised me one day with a Tori Amos comic book I’d secretly been drooling over for years, telling me it was a belated birthday present. When June arrived, he would bring me elaborate vegetarian meals he had prepared and I took him to his first Phish show. In July he wrote me love letters, sent flowers to my office, and we went out on our very first official date.

I remember vividly the time we took things too far and stumbled awkwardly in the dimly lit bedroom of my apartment. And how much I wanted him out once it was all over. That night I rolled over, glanced at the used condom in the wastebasket, and thought of the many travel destinations I hadn’t yet been to, promising myself a trip when I could scrape some cash together. It wasn’t that I didn’t like David’s company; I was crazy about him. But the girlfriend on the other end of his commute reminded me of the impermanence of our liaison.

Our late nights and lies eventually came to an end when guilt threatened my sanity later that August.

Every now and then I’m reminded of the cool, damp grass under my body and the soft scent of David’s cologne.

We watched the world pass by that summer.

It is a season forever engraved in my memory as a time I let all reasoning fly out the window to taste what a summer fling felt like once again. All I wanted was to feel taken, at least for a little while.

23 Comments… add one
Nicole July 15, 2011, 8:06 AM

Love this. 🙂

Brian July 15, 2011, 8:16 AM

Sometimes I feel even if the moments were not meant to last (like my first ex), the experience still felt rich and rewarding. I think it was you who even said it’s those moments that make them all worthwhile despite the pain of remembering that it’s over.

Sorta Southern Single Mom July 15, 2011, 9:13 AM

Powerfully written. Thanks for sharing.

Bonda84 July 15, 2011, 10:07 AM

Makes me think of the Sinatra song “Summer Wind”. Summer is always the season of passion and romance. It’s those detours of our moral compasses that mold who we are and show us they way we should take. I’m feeling a bit philosophical today, can you tell? 😛

John T July 15, 2011, 10:49 AM

I feel I have experienced these moments in the start of my teen with my first crush. I am just recollecting my memories. Please keep up the update for young readers like us who see ourselves in these characters.

marc July 15, 2011, 12:25 PM

you should right romance novels.

Terry D. July 15, 2011, 12:45 PM

Sweet – and oh so real. Remember that song “Torn between two lovers”?
I’ve been breaking the rules for some time and still can’t cut loose. Thank God my lover refuses to remain my lover and insists on being my friend. Sheesh – Sometimes I am soooooo stupido.

Hutch July 15, 2011, 1:32 PM

I actually have no words, that was so beautifully written!

I’m currently planning a trip to Italy/Greece for Fall of ’12 (yes, way in advance but don’t want it to kill the finances), you should come 🙂

trininista July 15, 2011, 4:45 PM

Beautifully written and oh so bittersweet. Some may not realise just how painful such a situation is, but I can relate. Your prince will come…yours and yours alone! The love story will be so much better – more fun to write and more fun to read! Hugs.

Krysten July 15, 2011, 5:21 PM

This is gorgeous. Seriously the way you wrote this… wow. Like the above commenter you should seriously write romance novels. I would totally read them!

liz July 15, 2011, 7:46 PM

Wow, Charlotte! This was intense! So sweet yet so intense. You did a really great job with this piece. Seriously – WOW.

Pretzel Thief (aka Balkan Girl Down Under) July 17, 2011, 5:41 AM

Gorgeous and captivating writing, Char.
You rocketh the casbah!

Catherine July 17, 2011, 10:06 PM

Simply beautiful! Great post. I love your writing style.

Blond Duck July 18, 2011, 7:29 AM

Written so beautifully.

Shell July 18, 2011, 11:00 AM

Sometimes, you need that feeling!

SaucyB July 18, 2011, 4:08 PM

That’s a really beautifully writen post Charlotte. The bittersweet nature of your relationship really comes through.

Glamamom July 18, 2011, 9:48 PM

Been there and those relationships are bad news. I’m glad you knew from the start not to get too attached…

Blond Duck July 19, 2011, 7:08 AM

Have a happy Tuesday!

Gia July 19, 2011, 7:58 AM

such a bittersweet post. you’re such a great writer. there is so much I can learn from you! and yes, I can definitely relate to that feeling… it’s nice to visit time and again just to remember how you felt in that moment.

Diana July 19, 2011, 5:27 PM

Charlotte, that was some very powerful and moving literary prose right there. You have a gift of conveying exactly how you feel, and we became you for just one brief moment.

Robin July 19, 2011, 8:34 PM

Popping in from SITS….

That was nicely written….I feel like I truly understand Lotti and how she is feeling at the moment.

Hope you had a beautiful day today….

Blond Duck July 20, 2011, 7:33 AM

Sending you the story today!

Allyson July 24, 2011, 4:19 PM

The thing is…when you’re married, your worst nightmare is what you have just so deliciously described. You lie in bed and worry to the point of exhaustion about these very moments. And yet…if we haven’t done it, we have had at least thought about it. When we were the ones who were single. And just looking for someone to worship us like we deserved. It’s an odd feeling…to feel so much sympathy for the girl on the other side of the commute. And yet to be so happy for your short-lived fling and for you to be treated like the queen you are!

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