Just my style to leave it all to the last minute. Which is why I went into near panic mode Sunday evening after I was finally able to stretch my legs following a Megabus ride from hell (now I know NOT to take the very last seat on the bus, even if it does bring me home an hour earlier). Strapped without a topic, I found myself leaving a very frantic email for Jack in his inbox (somewhere along the lines of “HELP ME!!!!!!”). I was having some serious agita about this writing assignment. Just between you and me: I feel like I’m in the lunchroom with the cool kids and my mom packed a radish and cheese sandwich. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Anyhoo, the assignment for the Insomnia Club this month was also entirely different from the others I had seen and I was nervous I wouldn’t have anything to write about. June is LGBT pride month and the focus this time around was gender bending. I really wanted to get it right, but I struggled with this topic. A lot.
But then I thought back on all the times I have asked myself how my life would be different if I had a penis and I realized I had something to write about after all.
It’s true. Every now and then I have penis envy. Having a penis means I will likely pay less for the same products a female purchases (deodorant, shampoo, creams, etc.) and my salary will be higher. I’m not required to attend bridal/baby showers (I say this as someone who has played one too many bridal bingo games than is ever necessary in a lifetime). I can get away with wearing a hooded sweatshirt and sandals on a first date. I don’t have as much surface area to shave. I don’t have to wear a thong or high heels and I’ll never bleed for long periods of time and crave ice cream at 2 in the morning and weep at the sight of a DeBeers commercial (none of these things have ever happened to me). I have a HANGING APPENDAGE BETWEEN MY LEGS (I dunno, I think that might be cool). But most importantly, I can pee anywhere (which in and of itself would be a lifesaver, especially after the countless times I’ve had to use a port-a-potty at various shows/festies in the past few weeks).
And then I think back on all the feminist lit classes I took in college, all my proud lesbian friends, and the many Lilith Fairs I have attended, the joys of motherhood (or what I’m told of it anyway), and I’m happy I’ll never feel shrinkage, a need to buy a fast car, or date a girl half my age. I’m quite happy where I am.
Sometimes it takes thinking outside the box to realize we don’t have it so bad after all. And yes, I just really wanted to use the word “box” in this post somehow.
(This post was brought to you by a moderate amount of sarcasm and a healthy dose of gender stereotypes.)
Please show some love to the other Insomnia Club members:
Girls Like it Too by Jess Downey
What it Feels Like for a Girl by Totally Tyler
For The Love of Boobs & Lesbians by Met Another Frog
Taboo by Women Are From Mars
Sick of the Misogyny by Feisty Woman
The Insomnia Club Strikes Again by Simone Grant
Gender Bender: My Day as a Woman by F*cking in Brooklyn