#InsomniaClub: why it might be nice to have a penis

– Posted in: dating

Just my style to leave it all to the last minute. Which is why I went into near panic mode Sunday evening after I was finally able to stretch my legs following a Megabus ride from hell (now I know NOT to take the very last seat on the bus, even if it does bring me home an hour earlier). Strapped without a topic, I found myself leaving a very frantic email for Jack in his inbox (somewhere along the lines of “HELP ME!!!!!!”). I was having some serious agita about this writing assignment. Just between you and me: I feel like I’m in the lunchroom with the cool kids and my mom packed a radish and cheese sandwich. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyhoo, the assignment for the Insomnia Club this month was also entirely different from the others I had seen and I was nervous I wouldn’t have anything to write about. June is LGBT pride month and the focus this time around was gender bending. I really wanted to get it right, but I struggled with this topic. A lot.

But then I thought back on all the times I have asked myself how my life would be different if I had a penis and I realized I had something to write about after all.

It’s true. Every now and then I have penis envy. Having a penis means I will likely pay less for the same products a female purchases (deodorant, shampoo, creams, etc.) and my salary will be higher. I’m not required to attend bridal/baby showers (I say this as someone who has played one too many bridal bingo games than is ever necessary in a lifetime). I can get away with wearing a hooded sweatshirt and sandals on a first date. I don’t have as much surface area to shave. I don’t have to wear a thong or high heels and I’ll never bleed for long periods of time and crave ice cream at 2 in the morning and weep at the sight of a DeBeers commercial (none of these things have ever happened to me). I have a HANGING APPENDAGE BETWEEN MY LEGS (I dunno, I think that might be cool). But most importantly, I can pee anywhere (which in and of itself would be a lifesaver, especially after the countless times I’ve had to use a port-a-potty at various shows/festies in the past few weeks).

And then I think back on all the feminist lit classes I took in college, all my proud lesbian friends, and the many Lilith Fairs I have attended, the joys of motherhood (or what I’m told of it anyway), and I’m happy I’ll never feel shrinkage, a need to buy a fast car, or date a girl half my age. I’m quite happy where I am.

Sometimes it takes thinking outside the box to realize we don’t have it so bad after all. And yes, I just really wanted to use the word “box” in this post somehow.

(This post was brought to you by a moderate amount of sarcasm and a healthy dose of gender stereotypes.)

Please show some love to the other Insomnia Club members:

Girls Like it Too by Jess Downey
What it Feels Like for a Girl by Totally Tyler
For The Love of Boobs & Lesbians by Met Another Frog
Taboo by Women Are From Mars
Sick of the Misogyny by Feisty Woman
The Insomnia Club Strikes Again by Simone Grant
Gender Bender: My Day as a Woman by F*cking in Brooklyn

17 Comments… add one
Brian June 14, 2011, 10:05 PM

“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”

Gia June 15, 2011, 8:19 AM

Great post! 🙂

Ever since Beyonce put out “If I were a boy” I’m constantly using it to whine about how unfair life can be sometimes. But I’m with you, having a box definitely has it’s perk. Haha, the addition of that cracked me up. Happy Wednesday dear! xx

keishua June 15, 2011, 8:39 AM

LOL. So, funny. Although, I am a sap and have teared up at hallmark commercials.
I can totally hear you on the peeing thing and unfair expectations(on both genders). I do envy the fact that men can wear almost anything. I’ve seen some men in powerfulish positions wearing 80s jeans. I kid you not! Gender is such a strange phenomena. Can you tell I was a WS girl? There are definitely limitations on both sides but I like being a girl{well, most days}

NikkiB June 15, 2011, 9:07 AM

I have penis envy too sometimes… although not exactly “envy” … more like… “HEY! THAT would be fun/convenient/interesting/hot!”

But I’d never want to *actually* trade equipment. Maybe just borrow.

Hutch June 15, 2011, 12:27 PM

The peeing thing is so unfair! Do you know how handy this is on a golf course or during a hike?! But then I think about the hot days when all I have to worry about is boob sweat. I’ll take that over balls and a penis sticking to my leg any day.

liz June 15, 2011, 1:47 PM

Guys really do have it easier in a lot of ways. Though I think the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward, so we women win out in the end.

Hannah June 15, 2011, 2:46 PM

The grass is always greener…

That said, I really would love the ability to pee without sitting/squatting. That would be pretty awesome.

kimbirdy June 15, 2011, 5:30 PM

haha, yup! i’ve definitely wished i didn’t have to deal with my mood swings every few weeks, and on numerous occasions wished i could pee standing up {backpacking, festivals, touring asia}. but i suppose we get away with a whole lot of awesomeness being women. i don’t think my guy friends have ever gotten anything for free with a little batting of their lashes.

Alison June 15, 2011, 6:22 PM

Well, you gotta admit, free boobs in exchange for showing a bit of cleavage is a pretty cool magic trick. Between that and always being let out into traffic during rush-hour, I’d say it’s win-win.

But hands-down, my favorite trick is to sit in a meeting with a bunch of heavy hitters with a deer-in the headlights look on my face, wait for a break in the conversation as everyone is mulling over a problem, and then blow them away with my intellect and sense of humor. No one ever suspects it out of the hot ones, I suppose. 🙂

carma June 15, 2011, 6:49 PM

avoiding wedding and baby showers would be a huge benefit!!! almost weiner-sized 😀 and I’m someone who rarely goes to them as is – but they are dreadful….I like how you worked “box” into the post.

FeistyWoman June 15, 2011, 7:24 PM

I would give anything to be able to pee virtually anywhere standing up!! In fact, my sole purpose to be a man for a day would be for this reason only. 😀

Love it!


(FL) Girl with a New Life June 16, 2011, 10:41 AM

Hysterical. I sooo feel you on the babyshowers. If I ever have one I’m doing a co-ed barbeque.

Exurban Cowgirl June 18, 2011, 1:44 PM

I remember the day my daughter (then 2) realized she couldn’t pee over the porch railing into the rosebush like her brother….totally devastated!

Glamamom June 18, 2011, 9:50 PM

Men have so little depth. I wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything. Yeah, it’s harder but so worth it. And the birthing thing is just INSANE.

Date Girl June 20, 2011, 6:23 PM

Oh girl, you crack me up! Here’s to never having to hide boners in home room, to not having our balls crushed when riding a bike, and to not having to man up and not show our emotions. There are definitely times where men seem to have the better end of the bargain, but I’m so happy to be of the “gentler” sex. Ha! You tear up at commercials too? Whew, I thought I was the only one!

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