January 23, 2012

Approval

The need for approval is something many of us seek out at an early age. In the beginning, we try to find it from parents by acing exams and doing well in sports or extracurricular activities. Over the years, we turn to our friends for guidance when choosing boyfriends and colleges, and in adulthood, we make decisions together with our spouses on buying houses, figuring out finances, and the schools where we should send our children.

Obviously I haven’t made it that far yet. But this weekend I introduced Bryan to my best friend and I realized how much I wanted her approval. She has always been a voice of reason for me and knows me better than anyone else in the world. I really wanted her to like this one. I’ve been with guys over the years that she had reservations about and she would often see things I was too blind to notice. We tend to see the world through rose-colored lenses when we are in the throes of a new romance.

I visited my parents this weekend to meet the new dog in their lives, and Bryan stopped by Saturday night to pick me up for dinner at Veggie Heaven. After dinner, we intended to visit my best friend’s house to attend her small housewarming. She’d heard stories about Bryan for months and was excited to finally meet him.

In a room full of eight lesbians (a tough audience for some of my previous boyfriends), Bryan was a hit. Maybe it was the way he held my hand under the table, or the fact that he helped me navigate around the icy patches in the driveway, or the subtle glances he exchanged with me from across the room, but I relaxed into his presence and realized that, even though I did still want her approval, I had already found my happy place.

As one of my friends was leaving, she gave me a gentle squeeze and whispered in my ear “I like him. And he’s CUTE!”

My friend later text messaged me to tell me her girlfriend picked up on some of the nuances and they both thought he was awesome. The word “happy” appeared three times. She was happy we had stopped by and happy to see me happy.

I was elated.

After the shindig, Bryan dropped me off at my parent’s house and stayed for a while. As we shared a toast with my family, he picked up Pepe, the sweet little schnauzer, and placed him in his lap. Without even trying, he had made another friend.

That was the moment when I realized that I am madly and hopelessly in love with a 32-year-old banjo-playing vegan.

And also this little guy:

Posted at: 12:42 pm by Charlotte |Filed Under: a not-so-brief history | 21 Comments
January 20, 2012

girl zone

As part of my mission to pick up resolutions that resonate with me in 2012, I added another just a few hours ago on my morning commute: to be present in each moment. It came to me when I noticed a woman texting while crossing a busy intersection with her baby in a stroller. I think it’s entirely unfair for me to judge the actions of this woman when I myself am often fiddling with a phone, new Kindle, or iPod, but it does say something about the culture we live in… we’re just so damn preoccupied with STUFF all the time.

I want to hit the pause button a bit more often this year. To just feel and be.

I’m trying to change my ways and have for the past few weeks reconnected outside of the beeping world of electronics. I want real face time because a girl needs her friends for dinner, to talk about life’s stresses, and to get a mani with every now and then. I have had the good fortune of doing all of these things in the past few weeks, not because life is lookin’ bad, but because I don’t want this season to pass me by. To know me is to understand that this is my season of hibernation, but I love my friends (and boyfriend) far too much to spend all that time under the covers (well, some time under the covers with Bryan is never a bad thing…).

Last week I had Ethiopian in Hell’s Kitchen with an old coworker I hadn’t seen in ages. It was fun to shoot the shit with her and catch up on the past nine years since we’d last seen each other (also, where in the hell does the time go?). She is a divorced mother of three and is taking tentative steps to get back out into the dating world. As we rolled our bread and dug into the delicious and colorful vegetarian food in front of us, she asked a question that transcends all ages, cultures, and backgrounds. “What in the hell is going ON out there??” She described online dating as a battle zone of sorts and told me about some of the weirdos she had encountered lately. We swapped horror stories and laughed over the absurdity of it all. She let me know that contrary to popular belief, older men still don’t always have it figured out.

I also went to Rosa Mexicano in Union Square with two of my besties as it had been some time since the three of us were able to plan a date night. For the first time in the history of our friendship, we all have significant others at the same time (one of them will soon get married), and it was fun to find out about their beaus and giggle into our sangria like old times. Also shout-out to the lovely Jill of Glamamom who apparently drove by me that evening as I was stepping into the restaurant!

Last night, I treated myself to a mani with a dear friend of mine who is also diving back into the online dating world after a bit of a break. I’m happy for her. I think she has a much healthier outlook since she participated in this dating detox. And now that I have a boyfriend, I can live vicariously through her stories.

How are you all coming along with your New Year’s resolutions? I’ll be honest: I’ve cheated a bit with the no smoking thing. I’ve had a few since, but I don’t feel the urge to smoke as I once did and I think I’m making strides in a very positive direction. I’m also learning the importance of shedding this thin skin and developing a thicker backbone. That’s still a work in progress, but we’re getting there.

You may also remember that my family lost it’s beloved beagle Linus in October. While there can never be another quite like him, I’m happy to meet a new shelter dog my parents are adopting this weekend. He’s a schnauzer/affenpinscher mix and quite possibly the most unattractive dog I’ve ever seen but I think he’ll make a beautiful addition to my crazy family. I’m happy they’re finally ready to welcome another dog into their home and lives again and I’m glad I’ll have a scruffy little guy to play with whenever I visit.

Posted at: 11:27 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: smoking | the greatest dog there ever was | 12 Comments
January 16, 2012

an open letter to “Alex”

I received a comment late Friday night that has been on my mind ever since and I felt the need to get this off my chest. This is directed to the reader who left what I presume to be a fake name and email address on my last post; a post I struggled to create and a post I was, in the end, proud to publish. I had to compose myself before composing what I thought was a very heartfelt response to “Alex” but it soon bounced back. And so, I figured I’d just answer this person here.

What we do (bloggers in general) takes some serious chutzpah. We open our hearts and pour our souls into our blogs. While having this online diary is a completely personal decision, there are certainly days I wonder if I should hit “publish.” How much is too much? How do I share without overstepping boundaries? If I omit details, will readers still come along for the journey? These are all questions I ask myself whenever I sit down to write my posts. I have tried my hardest to accurately depict the events in my life without giving away too much, but I am human and realize some things may not come across as well as I’d like them to because I am trying to protect my identity, my sanity, and the people around me.

Since October 2009, my readers have watched me go through a breakup, settle comfortably into the single life, go on more nightmarish dates than should ever be allowed in a lifetime, pick myself up, struggle with anxiety, dust myself off, and eventually, find love again. My track record would indicate that I am not one to fall for every guy to come along my way. It’s taken me two solid years to trust again, which I think was just the right amount of time to allow someone into my life. Bryan and l are still getting to know each other and we have agreed, since the beginning, to take things slowly. I’m not thinking about the future… I am just loving the present. I am experiencing things I haven’t felt in almost 10 years, and you know what?

I’m not apologizing for any of it. I am deserving of this.

If you know me in real life, Alex, you may know that I happen to be an incredibly happy person, as I think I’ve demonstrated over the course of my blogging career (which means with and mostly WITHOUT a boyfriend). I consider myself to be extremely fortunate in that I am constantly surrounded by love and light. I have a loving family, amazing friends, this wonderful blog community, awesome coworkers, and lately, I’ve added a ridiculously supportive boyfriend to the mix. They ALL contribute to my happiness. I am not ashamed of this.

So I ask you: Why would I want to be happy in SPITE of him? Am I happy in SPITE of my family? My friends? All in my inner circle? NO. I think it’s okay to admit that the people we surround ourselves with play a major role in our overall well-being.

And yes. The anxiety. She is a bitch and I still see her from time to time. My friends/family have heard an earful about her, and now I have found someone else to discuss some of my fears with. It’s nice to have someone so understanding in my corner.

I don’t like to censor comments, though I have received some in the past that hurt something fierce. Yours stung a bit, but I think it’s because there’s a chance we may know each other and you were too cowardly to say these things to me in person. If you are a concerned “friend” you would do the right thing and talk to me. Not leave me judgmental comments without a way to connect with you. And if you’re just passing through? You don’t know me and have zero right to criticize the way I live my life.

And so your comment stays. I have enough chutzpah in me to not allow comments like yours to rain on my parade.

Posted at: 12:25 pm by Charlotte |Filed Under: a not-so-brief history | 26 Comments
January 13, 2012

taking the plunge… part deux

It was only a year ago that I was experiencing life with a brand new set of eyes. I had regained confidence, a wonderful supportive network of friends and family, and a dizzying social calendar. I was loving life. A year ago, I did something completely unexpected and joined a team of Polar Bears to jump into the frigid waters of the Atlantic on Superbowl Sunday for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. To date, it was one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had.

I have seen quite a few highs and lows since that unseasonably warm day in February. About six months ago, I became quite ill and depressed. Anxiety took over and I have struggled to regain some of my footing since then. Each day posed a new challenge. I experienced panic attacks daily on my morning commute, avoided activities I had always loved, and made excuses when friends invited me to hang out. One evening while I visited my family, I experienced a panic attack of epic proportions on their porch (unbeknownst to them) and had to pop yet another anti-anxiety pill.

That was the lowest of the low. I thought that if I couldn’t enjoy being in the company of the ones who knew and understood me the best, there might not be hope for a recovery. I desperately wanted to return to the life I had always known. But here I was, overmedicated and drowning in alcohol, to silence some of the thoughts in my head. It was a very dark and extremely painful period in my life.

But sometimes Life has tricks up her sleeve. In the middle of all this uncertainty and depression, in stepped Bryan. His calm presence reassured me, his words touched me, and his poetry soothed me. I became hopeful again. I began to imagine a life where I was able to go out and frolic, dance, laugh, socialize, write, and live again. I wanted it for myself. For him. For us. He slowly taught me to love and trust again.

I can’t say that anxiety isn’t something that I live with daily, but I have found ways to accept and make peace with it. Meditation and exercise have helped, but I’m also treating my body better and learning to love myself again. Having a cheerleader in my corner has been tremendously influential in helping me on this path to recovery.

It all comes full circle. Bryan has just joined our team (Team Levi, named after my friend’s baby boy) and I’m excited to have him by my side this year as I take the icy plunge. He didn’t even have to think twice when I asked if he’d be interested. “Just let me know when it is, Mooi.”

A man who will jump into the Atlantic for a worthy cause?

I feel like I won the lottery.

The cause is really what it’s all about. There aren’t many things in this world that would cause me to act irrationally, but the sight of helicopters carrying children whose wish was to see the Polar Bears dive in their honor puts it all in perspective. I hope I am always sound in body and in mind and that I can continue this tradition for many, many years to come.

Absolutely NO pressure whatsoever, but should you feel so inclined to donate to this cause (or if you’re in the area and would like to join our team!), click here for more information.

Posted at: 9:37 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: the make-a-wish foundation | 16 Comments
January 11, 2012

Find a New B.F.F. with Gaiam TV: A Fitness Buddy at your Fingertips

It’s now been just over a week since I quit smoking so this week’s sponsor couldn’t have come at a better time. I needed something to fill the void and keep my mind preoccupied when all I wanted was to reach for another ciggy. Also I’m determined to work on a full mind/body transformation for 2012. It’s my unofficial resolution.

I have had a blast getting acquainted with a handful of the more than 2,000 video clips at GaiamTV.com. Considered the Netflix for the health- and wellness-minded consumer, this collection of videos brings a virtual yoga studio right into your living room. I have been an avid Bikram yoga girl for many moons, but due to overcrowding at my studio this time of year, I try to avoid it like the plague. With Gaiam TV I was able to search from a wide assortment of yoga, Pilates, and cardio classes with some of the top professionals in the industry, including Rodney Yee, Seane Corn, Jillian Michaels, Mari Winsor, and Kathryn Budig.

Gaiam TV = 1. Hot, sweaty, overcrowded Bikram class = 0.

The site is also extremely user-friendly and fun to navigate. I kept stumbling upon one video after another that I wanted to try, and the nice thing is that I was able to add them to a playlist to view later. Programming is fully customizable for anyone interested in weight loss, total body sculpture, and increased energy, and users can further narrow down their options based on level, style, instructor, and workout time. Reviews are available for many of the videos, which helped me select PM DeStressor in the Yoga Now series with Rodney Yee after a hectic day in the office. This 12-minute light yoga practice hit the spot and was easy enough to fit in before pouring myself a tall glass of wine and preparing my dinner.

With Gaiam TV, users receive instant access 24/7, and they have the option of streaming to their computers, iPads, and smartphones.

This streaming video subscription also offers hard-to-find independent films, family-friendly movies, interesting documentaries (I’ve already bookmarked a few which I intend to watch later), and numerous meditation videos from Deepak Chopra and the Dalai Lama. Can you tell I’m slightly excited about this service?

Gaiam TV is now offering a Free 10-day Trial! Gaiam TV’s $9.95 per month subscription fee allows subscribers to stream unlimited content. The subscription to Gaiam TV is no strings attached; there is no commitment and members can cancel at anytime.

I received a complimentary trial to GaiamTV.com in exchange for this review. All opinions expressed herein are entirely my own. This post was sponsored by Gaiam.

Posted at: 9:20 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: sponsored post | , 6 Comments
January 6, 2012

A vegetarian quits cold turkey

I remember my first time very vividly… The day we told white lies, cut classes, and stole Marlboro reds and a bottle of wine from my parents. We mixed dreadful cocktails to conceal the alcohol from authorities (it was early in the day, after all) and headed to the nearby park to waste that beautiful spring day away.

We were two best friends in high school with our share of crushes and good grades. And that afternoon, we were young, drunk, and irresponsible. Exactly as we should be.

Except that was the first and only cigarette my friend ever smoked. It was the first of many to come for me.

That afternoon I stumbled home and vomited all over the bathroom like the classy broad that I am. Thankfully, no one in the house caught on about the smoking. It was their guilt I felt guilty about. I knew my parents would blame themselves for leaving cigarettes around but it was my fault for picking up another habit to aid my addictive personality. It wasn’t until a year or two later when I was home from college that my mom caught me red-handed. I sat on the porch and nearly lit the wicker furniture on fire after she came home early from running errands.

Since then I have tried numerous ways to quit smoking, always with the same results. Cold turkey never seemed to work, since I convinced myself time and again I can have just the one… which, in my case, always ended half a pack later on a Saturday night.

Bryan and I discussed our dirty habit and desire to quit just before the New Year but when he said he would have his last cigarette on Sunday, I didn’t have much time to come up with an excuse.

He wanted to do this for himself but I realized that I needed to do this for myself, too. Besides, what kind of vegetarian yogi smokes Parliament Lights anyway?

And so it is that I’ve been smoke-free for five days. Slightly irritable, yes, but I imagine I’ll feel this way for at least a few days. Any advice from reformed smokers and thoughtful encouragement from the rest would be greatly appreciated.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend~any special plans?

Posted at: 10:21 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: smoking | 26 Comments
January 3, 2012

2011 wrap-up

Happy New Year!

I hope that you enjoyed some much-needed time off and that you, like the ancient Roman god Janus, have one face reflecting on the past while the other remains hopeful for all to come in the future. I hope that you are reading this post with a tall glass of Merlot in hand, a captain and coke by your side (always my drink of choice), or that leftover eggnog you were keeping from your crazy aunt. And I’m not encouraging you all to get vershnockered while reading my blog (especially since it’s barely 10am here); just sayin’ that I hope you are merry in whatever you’re doing.

I haven’t posted since before Christmas but the break was a necessary one. Also I haven’t stopped by your blogs though I plan to make my rounds shortly. I only worked three days last week but they were jam-packed and annoying (you know, work) BUT exciting all the same because I attended three Phish shows at MSG. Thursday marked my 50th Phish show and the first time I ever had floor seats at that venue. It was also the first Phish show I have ever attended with a boyfriend. Bryan and I had a great time (well, I don’t mean to speak for him… but I saw him shake his money maker a few times) and I had the chance to introduce him to some coworkers and old friends and experience with him what has been so sacred and special to me over the years.

Christmas seems like it was ages ago already. Santa was good to me this year and helped me pay off some bills (sure sign I’m getting old: when holiday money is immediately allocated to bigger, more pressing financial concerns). I went on one of the most anxiety-inducing trips to Rockefeller Center with my parents Christmas Day (they thought this would be the perfect day for a visit. Unfortunately every tourist in Manhattan also had the same idea).

Bryan and I met up later that evening to catch up after a hectic weekend and exchange gifts. After much internet researching, hair pulling, and nagging of friends/coworkers/and soccer fanatics, I was happy to find a Netherlands soccer jersey in orange for him (only to discover that he has about 30 others at home. Whomp). There was another part of my gift to him, but I’d like to keep some things to myself (it was a sentimental token more than anything). He surprised me with a Kindle Fire, and though at first I had no idea what it was or what it was capable of doing, it’s become my latest obsession. It’s the first thing to greet me in the morning and it comes to bed with me at night. It’s also made my life a heck of a lot easier, since I’m able to type out my posts on something other than the world’s smallest phone keyboard.

This was also the first New Year’s in the history of ever where I was perfectly content to stay in and have a relaxing evening curled up on the couch (and to be honest, after Phish I was happy for the recovery period). I knew there was another Phish show going on and that there were thousands of revelers in Times Square and the bars in town were crowded and that many of my friends were out and about… but all I wanted was to snuggle, watch the ball drop, and greet the new year with someone who has added much joy to my life in such a short period of time. Like Janus, I am turning one face on the past but I remain strongly fixated on a hopeful future. I have many lofty goals for this year, including new career aspirations, goals for my writing, and a strong desire to maintain balance in all things… and I have finally found someone who encourages me every step of the way. So yes. 2012 is looking very good so far.

I hope you all had a very happy and healthy. What did you do to ring in the New Year?

Posted at: 9:55 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: new year's eve | 19 Comments
December 23, 2011

For Sandy


Several years ago when my beagle Linus was still alive and living with my parents in upstate NY, we would go on nice long walks around the neighborhood together. He’d stop to sniff around or do his business (always in someone’s yard) and I’d look at the many new houses and developments that kept popping up in the area. Though my parents have lived there approximately 15 years, they hadn’t really met anyone who lived on their street. It was a neighborhood of strangers. No one welcomed them with gift baskets of homemade treats when they moved in (does anyone do that anymore?) and there wasn’t anyone to to call on to bring in the newspapers if a trip took them to faraway places.

So I was shocked when a kind woman called out from her driveway as Linus and I walked past one day.

“I’m sorry… He gets distracted and likes to sniff around,” I smiled.

“Oh, I know… I have a lab here that does the same. Max!”

A beautiful black lab came out from behind the hedges. Tails wagged and Linus and Max became fast friends.

“My name is Sandy.” Her eyes sparkled as she reached out to shake my hand. “Been livin’ here 12 years and I’ve never met a neighbor.”

She instantly became a favorite. She invited me over to swim in her pool and I eventually met her boyfriend and daughter. On summer nights, we’d sit in her gazebo and listen to an orchestra of crickets. My visits were usually brief, but always sweet. Sandy was good peoples and I was happy to see her whenever I stopped by my parent’s house.

A few years ago, my father called to tell me Sandy had died of cancer and he read her obituary to me over the phone. My heart sank for her beautiful family and I mourned the loss of her free spirit.

Cancer isn’t a stranger in my family. We’ve had a few scares over the years and both my grandparents died from cancer-related illnesses. In a time of merry-making, tree decorating, indulging, and gift-giving, I think it’s important to stop and remember those who are sadly no longer with us. Please take a minute to watch the video. The message is an important one: imagine a world with less cancer and more birthdays.

Thanks, Sandy, for your friendship and I wish you a happy Hanukkah. If you see Linus, please give him a big kiss and tell my Oma and Opa that I love and miss them both dearly.

This post is sponsored by the American Cancer Society.

Posted at: 9:45 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: sponsored post | , , 14 Comments
December 21, 2011

happy happy, merry merry

First things first: let me apologize for all the sponsored posts around here lately. As you all know, the holidays tend to be an expensive time of year so when I was asked to share my space with a few different sponsors, I had a hard time saying no. I needed the extra cash and what’s a week worth of posts when I’m running low on things to contribute (and time to write) anyway?

I hope ya’ll can forgive me.

This past weekend was a special one for me (if you’re prone to vomiting profusely at overly lovey dovey stuff I suggest you turn away now. I promise I won’t be offended). In a conversation with Bryan a few weeks ago I mentioned that I hadn’t seen stars in ages and so we decided to venture out Saturday night and turn our attention to the night sky. And yes, it was about 20 degrees out. Rather than go to the field he had recommended, we picked up some Thai food, went down to the waterfront in Hoboken, and unfolded a blanket to watch the NYC skyline (unfortunately, stars are just impossible to see in this part of the state with all the light pollution but hopefully we’ll get to go another weekend in the near future). It was a beautiful, clear night (albeit extremely chilly) and a romantic way to spend an evening together.

I know, I almost want to vomit, too.

In a way, this weekend was a big milestone for us both. I haven’t felt this happy–or comfortable–with someone in a long time. I love learning little things about him and my heart skips a beat every time he smiles at me or kisses my forehead. Grand, sweeping gestures never did matter to me; it’s always the finer details that make my heart flutter. And I love that Bryan appreciates these, too. Having someone to go to the health food store with. Holding hands and assorted PDA (apparently I’m a total dude in this department but I’d like to think I’m getting better). Feeling at home with someone again.

We did share an awkward moment as we were walking back. I told him we should return in the summer when they feature movies in the park and we can have a picnic with wine. At the same time I finished with “you know, if we’re still together and all,” he said “that’s so great you’re thinking of the future!”

“Oh my god, you totally killed it.”

“But I was smiling when I said it!”

Yup. Totally killed it (smacks head à la Chris Farley).

***

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah. For once, I’ve finished my holiday shopping on time and I’m pleased with the gifts I found. Nothing fancy, but all heartfelt and meaningful in their own way. I hope all recipients are happy. And I’m taking my brother to his very first Phish show at the Garden next Wednesday. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the boys again.

What are your plans for the holidays? XOXO and I promise to make my rounds very shortly. I’ve been thinking of you all, my sweet ones.

Posted at: 10:06 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: dating | 17 Comments
December 19, 2011

[sponsored post] ‘Tis the season to unleash your inner vixen

Several weeks ago, I had some of my girlfriends over for a day of wine and cheese tasting. I have really missed the beautiful women in my life and thought it would be lovely to reconnect on a Sunday afternoon, doing what we all love best: drinking vino and catching up on life. The times we are all able to meet up seem few and far between these days, what with the holidays just around the corner and a laundry list of things that always need tending to.

I received two bottles of wine from Naked Winery, but the one we sampled was the Vixen Syrah, described by the company as “our foxy wine…coy at first then comes on strong with elements of blackberry and some cherry.” Since I was with my girlfriends, I kept my paws to myself. I still had a date with my boyfriend later that evening lined up and we eventually tried the other bottle–Climax–together. It was, uhm, delicious.

Mmmmm….

My gawd. Where was I? Oh yes, I’m here to review the bottle of Syrah.

The Vixen Syrah definitely packed a bit of a punch. It went down smoothly and didn’t have much of an oak-y afterbirth (that’s an Office reference, ya’ll). I will openly admit that I’m not as familiar with my reds, but I was intrigued by the ingredients listed in the description: red raspberry, early season black cherry, coffee beans. Together they created a wonderful and intense flavor and I have since ordered Syrah while out with friends to really acquaint myself with the textures of this wine.

I would definitely recommend this as a fun gift for your single friends, boy/girlfriends, or that sexy coworker you’re trying to shack it up with. I followed the cheese pairings they had suggested and served some white cheddar and parmigiano reggiano. They also suggested Italian salami but this is a veggie household and so my wonderful friends were without. Sorry, girls! (Mini cupcakes courtesy of my dear friend who stopped by Crumbs on her way over. NOMS!)

I love the marketing for this vineyard. Fun. Sexy. Creative. In addition to some nice swag I was sent, I received a really nice handwritten note which told me that Syrah has great aging potential and that the bottle of Climax was “just for fun.” Oh, yes… it was.

‘Tis the season to unleash your inner vixen! The kind folks at Naked Winery are offering 30% discount on all purchases of Vixen Syrah for My Pixie Blog readers. Simply enter discount code SINGLE at checkout at www.nakedwinery.com.

I received a complimentary bottle of Vixen Syrah in exchange for this review. All opinions expressed herein are entirely my own. This post was sponsored by Naked Winery.

Posted at: 9:53 am by Charlotte |Filed Under: product review | , 6 Comments
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